11 Steps To Heal The Past And Strengthen Bonds

Becoming a father can stir up unsettling emotions, especially when it brings back memories of your childhood and your relationship with your dad. The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model helps us understand that these emotions often come from a younger part of us—a little boy who didn’t get his needs met or went through some serious trauma. Here are eleven actionable steps to help you connect with that inner child and start healing those old wounds. That way, you can show up to your own kids with a deeper presence and break generational patterning. Remember that what a father cannot access in himself, he cannot pass on to his children. So the more you do to heal your own inner world, the better father you’ll be able to be.

1. Recognize your trigger moments

Identify the situations that trigger strong emotional reactions related to your father. This could be during family gatherings during the holidays or when you have a strong emotional reaction to your own children. These moments can provide clues about the unresolved issues within you. Keep a journal to track these triggers and your responses to them. For example, if you’re finding yourself getting bothered by your kids wanting to stay outside and play instead of coming in for dinner, causing you to want to scream or your blood boil, chances are it’s because during your own childhood, your wildness was stifled by a parent. Reconigizing how your own story relates to the way you raise your kids is an extremely powerful step to breaking generational trauma and rewriting your family’s story.

2. Recognize and nurture your inner child for healing

Take a moment to acknowledge the young boy inside you who experienced pain and unmet needs. Simply recognizing his presence is the first step towards healing. Say, "I see you, and I know you're hurting."

3. Create a safe space for internal dialogue

Find a quiet, comfortable place to have uninterrupted time to connect with your inner child. This could be a room in your house, a peaceful spot in a park, or anywhere you feel safe and relaxed.

4. Start the conversation

Ask your inner child what he felt during those difficult times with your father. Listen to his responses without judgment. You might say, "What were you feeling when Dad did that?" or "What do you need to feel safe now?"

5. Practice self-compassion

Show compassion to your inner child. Remind him that his feelings are valid and that he is not alone. Use affirmations like, "It's okay to feel this way," and "You deserve love and understanding."

6. Engage in self-soothing activities

Find activities that soothe and comfort your inner child. This might include drawing, playing a favorite childhood game, or holding a comforting object. These activities can help calm your inner child and create a sense of safety.

7. Seek professional guidance

Consider working with a skilled IFS practitioner. They are trained specifically to help you gain further self-reliance, navigate complex emotions, and guide you through the process of unburdening your inner child.

8. Set clear boundaries

Establish and maintain boundaries with your father to protect your emotional well-being. Communicate your limits clearly and consistently. This might involve limiting contact or being specific about the interactions you are comfortable with. This exercise helps you set boundaries and commit to a clear and compelling “No”.

9. Practice mindfulness

Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine. Mindfulness can help you stay present and grounded, reducing the impact of emotional triggers. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and body scanning can be particularly effective. This meditation is helpful to strengthen your muscle of compassion.

10. Foster forgiveness

Work towards forgiving your father and yourself. Understand that forgiveness is a process that takes time. It doesn't mean excusing past behavior but rather releasing its hold on your emotions. Reflect on your father's own struggles and recognize that everyone is imperfect.

11. Build a support network

Surround yourself with supportive people who understand and respect your journey. Share your experiences with trusted friends, join a support group, or connect with others with similar experiences. A strong support network can provide encouragement and perspective. One such community is Fathers Without Compromise.

Healing from the emotional scars left by your relationship with your father means giving that young boy inside you the care and attention he never got. By committing to these steps, you can start to heal and create a healthier emotional future for yourself and your kids. It’s a courageous journey that many back away from. It can feel tough, especially when others around you may question it, but it’s worth it—not just for you but for the legacy you’ll pass on to the next generation.

Who Am I?...a writing exercise

Fifty or so of us sat around the room, ready to begin a group meditation, which would be followed by a group writing session. Artists, vagabonds, spiritual warriors of all types, from all over the world, sat around me. Gongs, singing bowls, and shamanistic feathers filled the room.

The bell chimed, I closed my eyes and up our chakras we climbed as we dove inward to sit with the soul and hold hands with the inner self.

Thirty minutes later, the meditation came to a close and from there the writing session began. Those around me scribbled their thoughts on the page in haste. I sat still: frozen by my inner critic.

As soon as I would start to scribe a sentence in my notebook, I’d feel the eyes of all those behind me: judging me, criticizing me, evaluating my sanity and sense of worth. I felt ashamed to write one authentic sentence and remained clothed in my insecurity.

I didn’t know then, but now I have a closer understanding of what F. Scott Fitzgerald meant when he wrote: “What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story.” We are all full of stories that shed light on the human condition and can help empower another.

Which brings me to my own insecurity as I come closer to experiencing my actualized self. Perhaps by opening up, my story may lead you to your own discoveries. I’ve always felt a bit insecure when it comes to my own personal writing. To create anything original, writing or otherwise, I’ve always had to lock myself in a room or nuzzle into a nook in the library to be safe to write.

This is normal, of course. I see it all the time in my clients who, when it comes time to write down their stories, lean forward in their seats as they write to make sure no one can read their prose. That’s part of the process, and even the greats like Stephen King have confessed tremendous trepidation in transferring any kind of writing to the reader: fiction, nonfiction, or personal narrative.

Why?

Because writing is an extension of the soul that leaves us bare and exposed. But it’s also a tool for discovery and communicating those discoveries with others.

Personal writing has often been looked at as the writing to keep to ourselves. What I’d like us to consider is that when we share our personal narratives, we empower others to lift the masks we are so often coerced to wear. By sharing authenticity, we spawn authenticity. 

Writing roots you in deeply, and it’s in this connection that we better study the self. Yogis call this study of the self Swadhyaya. It’s the practice to answer the question: “Who Am I?” This study breaks through the masks we have come to wear and connects us all on a deeper level. Specifically, writing binds us together in a grand narrative. It’s the connective quality that makes social media addictive before the world uttered a tweet.

HOW I WRITE TO ANSWER “WHO AM I?”

Stage One

I stare at a blank page, tune in, and write words that attempt to answer this question. I erase half of it and hoard whatever is left, offering it up to a salvage yard to discover its perceived value.

Stage Two

I dig into stories that have defined me. Then I realize they no longer define me, yet have made me who I am today.

Stage Three

I write and edit. Write and edit. Write and edit. Persuade my wife to edit my work by making her Star Wars pancakes. Edit again.

Then I click publish and my work is out there.

Stage Four

I no longer own my work. What I intended through my words, and the relationship I create with my words, is now up to the reader to decide on his/her own.

Now, the text lives on its own.

A reader stumbles upon my writing (perhaps because you were so kind to share it with them) and then creates a relationship with it. The reader interprets the text on his/her own — often in a way that is far different than I intended. Sometimes that reader is me in the future.

Stage Five

I interact with those who have read my story and hear the impact it has had on their life. I pay attention to my reaction and practice gratitude for this mirror. Then I realize that who I am is simply one part of the Whole.

——————————

Not too long ago, my writing took a grand shift. I shifted from the safety of writing about what I knew academically to writing about my own journey and discovery. My source shifted from APA format to DNA.

It’s delectably terrifying: searching out truth through the self.

Why?

Because as I continue to unwrap my authentic self through means like meditation, yoga, right-brain sporadic prose, and dream journaling, I keep finding that all that I thought I had known as my self — my tectonic foundations — actually shift like currents in an ocean.

Words, however, remain fossilized through clicking “publish.” I will continue to evolve throughout my life, but the words I once penned on the Internet will remain concrete and still when in actuality they were just ripples through the tide.

Writing is the window into my heart and yes, of course, I fear the critic.

Such is the essence of what Pema Chodron may have meant when she said, “If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”

A personal story I’ve written about, a personal discovery I’ve shared…they are the skin I shed and not the skin I wear today. And tomorrow will bring about a new shedding. And so on. And so on.

Such is the nature of my work. I write about the discovery of the self. That’s my journey on purpose.

Writing helps one discover the authentic self, but I’ve learned that it’s the relationship I build with others through my writing that leads to my greatest discoveries.

When I Said "I Love You" to My Father

I sat across from my father, stared into his eyes for an entire minute and said three words he hadn’t heard a lot while growing up in a dilapidated mobile home park in Buffalo, NY.

His eyes teared up and so did mine. I said, “I love you.”

A rush of energy flooded through both me and my father. Energy that brought the two of us closer together. Energy that helped us both reach deeper into ourselves.

You see, as a blue-collar man raised in the smoke of the railroad industry, my father grew up like many men. He learned that in order to get the job done, he must hold in his emotions. Life is hard and thick skin is what gets you through the hardships that come along.

True perhaps to some degree, but as Joseph Campbell reminds us, “The fundamental human experience is that of compassion.” Compassion — showing love for others and love for ourselves— drives us all further down our own hero’s journey. Because remember, the hero’s journey isn’t Frodo searching for a ring nor is it Luke Skywalker mastering his Jedi skills to overthrow an evil empire.

These are just metaphors for the hero’s journey, told through a compelling story.

The hero’s journey is a journey inside. As Campbell himself puts it: “The hero journey is inside of you;  tear off the veils and open the mystery of the self.”

To move further down the inner hero’s journey, Campbell reminds us that we need to practice direct compassion for our self just as much as we do for others.

My inner journey took a turn this past weekend and began with a six-hour drive to my hometown, Buffalo, NY. Instead of meeting up with a bunch of people and getting my whole family together, I did something different.

I met with each of them for one-on-one quality time and did something I haven’t done before. I looked them each in the eye and told them I loved them and explained why I do.

Each of them teared up. And I did too.

See, here’s the thing:

Direct communication is compassion for the soul.

When’s the last time you looked someone in the eyes, held their hand, and told them how you honestly feel?

It’s easier to go through our lives by avoiding eye contact and avoiding honest communication out of fear of argument. Why else are children often told to avoid topics of politics and religion at the dinner table?

Consider, however, that by being honest in our communication we practice compassion for ourselves. Through this, we gain confidence in our own voice.

Honest communication with others and ourselves is hard work. It’s a lot easier to politely agree or nod your head with someone instead of disagreeing with them. It’s a lot easier to avoid direct eye contact instead of telling someone they hurt you. It’s quite awkward at first to look at someone other than your spouse directly in the eyes and tell them you love them.

This type of communication moves the energy in our relationships and all parties involved grow because of it.

I invite you to try this:

Choose someone in your life that you appreciate, love platonically, or love romantically that perhaps you haven’t told before or in a while. Or perhaps you haven’t been direct in your communication of how you feel. Spend just one minute and look directly in their eyes and continue to tell them throughout this time why you appreciate them.

That’s it.

Sounds too simple, yes. I thought so too. Thing is, many people (myself included) are not used to direct communication, so don’t be surprised if this moves the person you speak with.

Chances are you’ll feel moved too because this directness opens doors to the self. Why? Because by doing so, you’re showing compassion for your greatest self.

As I continue to connect the dots in my life and grow into a more actualized being, I’m learning that compassion for the self moves one further down the hero’s journey. If we disagree with someone, if we feel hurt, or if we love someone and haven’t deeply shared it, we’re not being honest with ourselves. We’re not showing compassion to ourselves. We’re holding ourselves back from truly learning from the experience.

And perhaps it’s these lessons that we sometimes need to open a door to the next stage in our journey.

What about you? Let me know what you think and share YOUR story with me.

How To Affirm Your Purpose

Even before writing legend Stephen King sobered up, he would keep the door shut tight to his writing studio. When he felt his writing was ready, he’d open the door only to his wife, who he dubbed his supreme editor.

King has what he calls “closed-door writing” and “open-door writing.”

Closed-door writing is the crap, the stuff that he doesn’t want anyone to see. It’s the muck that all professionals and top-performers still muddle through to create something of high value (though they like to keep that hidden).

It’s what Anne Lamott would call the “shitty first draft” in her book on writing, Bird by Bird  (one of my personal favorite reads).

To move beyond the first crappy draft, King finds the affirmation he needs from his wife. He describes in his book, On Writing, a scene where he gives his wife a manuscript on a road trip and she reads it in the passenger seat while he drives. He describes biting his nails in nervousness as he waits for her to laugh or gasp when he knows she’s at certain parts.

If she doesn’t laugh, he questions whether or not it’s actually funny. If she doesn’t gasp at a horror scene, then he questions whether or not it’s actually well-written.

Perhaps you can relate? When are there moments your confidence depends on the approval of others?

This is The Fulcrum of Affirmation. It’s the place we reach when creating something new and looking for affirmation that we’re doing it right. I find myself here very often. It’s that point that as soon as you press “send” and finish your project, there’s a chance that it will either succeed or face a humiliating failure. This affirmation brings us through the turning point on our hero’s journey.

But we don’t need it.

Dr. Wayne Dyer teaches us through his book, The Power of Intention, that it’s incredibly important to find your affirmation from within. He says that living your life on purpose has everything to do with living out the best version of yourself, not following dogma or constantly caving to peer pressure. Living your life on purpose is the effect of tuning into who you really are.

Dyer says that if you have a passion for something like fixing cars and have developed a talent for it and the community really needs a stellar auto mechanic, then yes, of course, being the best auto mechanic you can be is your tried and true purpose.

But if you don’t want to be an auto-mechanic or a doctor or a lawyer or (Fill in the Blank), then perhaps it’s time to dig deeper to find your purpose.

(Pssst…it’s okay to reinvent and redefine yourself at any time you’d like.)

Here are three tips to find the affirmation from within to live your life on purpose.

1. We Are Only A Reflection Of Those We Keep Close To Our Heart

We’re a social species. We thrive on relationships and seek connection with others on emotional, platonic, and physical planes.

We learn best through what pedagogy would call “Constructive Learning,” meaning we learn best through connecting with others.

Before the days of smartphones and industry, we sat around the campfire and told stories at night, sharing in that day’s feast. But we’ve since lost this aspect of ourselves as storytelling animals and are inundated with messages from the media telling us what we should look like, act like, and model.

We’ve moved from a campfire society to a billboard society.

So how can we be picky with who we allow into our sphere of influence? The truth is… it’s not so easy. Our parents, religious leaders, teachers, friends, community leaders, and others offer what they believe to be the best advice. And this advice comes from a source of love, but this energy can strongly influence the way we make decisions.

People often ask me how I am such a positive person, an optimist they say. I tell them that I am only a reflection of those I keep close to my heart. Even when I’m making a decision on my own and not asking for anyone else’s approval, the decision I make still stems from those I’ve allowed to help build my sphere of influence. The books I’ve read, the people I admire, the conversations I have with others, and the lessons I’ve learned from my sphere of influence all morph the decisions I make.

For me, I try to surround myself with positive people because I know how easy it can be to be held down by fear and negative thinking. I’m picky about who I let into my sphere of influence.

So, even though you may not have complete control over your sphere of influence, who and what do you personally invite into it?

2. Sit Still To Move Mindfully

I forgot who it was who said it, but meditation allows us to experience what the other senses cannot. It helps us tap into our intuition.

Meditation gives us control. It teaches us when to dance with our thoughts, when to sit still, and when to be an observer.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? That the art of sitting still in meditation helps control our outward actions and reactions? Learning to stay still helps to make more precise movement.

Known in yoga circles as Kundalini Awakening, meditation opens up the third eye chakra which points inward and is said to help reflect the divine spiritual truths inside of us. When our third eyes are open and not blurry, it’s easier to tap into the spiritual truths. It’s easier to find the affirmation from within.

3. Say No To FOMO & Ship Forward

So often I find myself caught in FOMO: the fear of missing out.

If I don’t do this, will I be missing out on an incredible experience?

If I commit to this project, will I be missing out on another one?

or

If I don’t commit to this project, will I be missing out on my big break?

Especially when it comes to affirmation, we sometimes don’t take action when we think that there’s something bigger and better out there. We look for affirmation that we’re on the right path. But fearing to miss out on something stops us from even experiencing what we have right here in front of us.

Getting caught in the rabbit hole of FOMO is the rat race and stops us from shipping our best ideas. It’s another name for the thing that many of us try to avoid getting caught in — the daily grind.

Whenever FOMO pops up ask yourself,

Am I living in the present or caught in a hypothetical future?

Am I creating or procrastinating?

Many of us go to our graves with the best ideas still trapped inside of us. Use this imagery as the catalyst to help you commit to ship your idea and move forward.

The Power of Eye Gazing

The howler monkeys screamed outside and the humid air hugged my skin like a warm blanket. I sat down and faced a woman who I barely knew and placed my hand on her chest to feel her heartbeat. She did the same and we stared deeply into each other’s eyes for five intense minutes.

Sweat began to pour down my face, stinging my eyes and, as my heartbeat grew in intensity, I thought about my wife back home. This is definitely not appropriate, I thought to myself, as intense guilt began to flood my mind.

But what followed next surprised me like a rainbow that appears without a cloud in the sky. Such is the nature of a mindfulness retreat in the jungle.

I felt intense love for this woman. Not the love I feel for my wife or the love I feel for my family. A very different kind of love. A platonic love. A love, as Plato would call it, where two people help the other further see down one’s spiritual path.

As I stared deep into this woman’s eyes I felt her soul, and I felt her peering into my soul-self. All the masks that both of us wear during our day-to-day were stripped away, leaving us bare and exposed. I saw her struggles and she saw mine. It felt both liberating and terrifying in a way that I struggle to explain as I type this sentence.

I felt connected and experienced the concept shared by many of the world’s beautiful religions — oneness. I more viscerally felt something I’ve known intellectually for quite some time — that we all have a connected soul beneath the physical existence.

Perhaps you’ve experienced a connection on this level before, as well? Whether with a friend, a mentor, or anyone who has helped you out.

In his dialogues, Plato reminds us that we should be seeking more of this love because it brings us closer to the soul. There is then a union with the soul, much like I’ve discovered through my own yoga practice.

Did Plato perhaps stretch in downward dog before beginning philosophy class? Did he and Patanjali hang in the ancient days of lore?

This connection with the soul-self is rooted in the etymology of yoga, as “yoga” in Sanskrit translates as “union.” Yes, yoga is far more than what Americans have come to understand. It’s not just physical posture and stretchy pants, though I would never dismiss the benefits of both. A strong physique is great and stretchy pants should become the new business casual. But I digress.

As I navigate my own path, I work to maintain this level of loving awareness and connection, though this comes with its own struggles. This is where I often open up a good book to find some wisdom to grow my spirits. Rumi is very often a first choice. So, what does Rumi say to do? Let go to love and experience the source that unites. About a thousand years ago, I imagine him sitting under one of the pomegranate trees that populate the Persian soil as he wrote,

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.”

As you go throughout the rest of your day today, consider, as I am, embracing eye contact and connecting with the souls of those you meet. At the next networking event, consider not talking about “what do you do?” and paper-pushing job-speak. Instead, ask about their journey on purpose and have a conversation about their passions. When sitting down for a meal with the family, look at your loved ones with the same heightened level of love as you will the homeless man on the street. It’s a beautiful world out there and each of us has a story worth hearing.

A Mindful Hack When You Need to Push Through

It’s amazing how the mind works, right? One moment we can be angry and pissed off; in another, happy and gregarious.

One moment we can sick; In another, healthy.

Take, for instance, the last time I acted on stage. I had just come down with a delicious case of the flu and couldn’t hold down my lunch for the life of me. My roommates stayed far away from me lest they too come down with this stomach bug.

How, for the life of me, would I play a carefree and bubbly college student on stage that night? And the kicker… my character was the proverbial 30-year old who still lived at his parents’ home and comes home drunk to devour a plate of cold Spaghettios live on stage.

Gross.

Minutes before the spotlight would shine on me that night, I imagined all the terrible scenarios that could happen on stage as I tried to hold down my character’s late night supper.

Inhale

I breathed deep and steady for 60 seconds and did what I would always do before a performance. I said a quick prayer to my Nanas, imagined them in the audience watching me, and visualized my best performance.

The lights went up. I came on stage. And before I knew it, there I was bowing before the audience feeling healthy and happy with that high that all actors know comes after a performance.

Exhale

The applause died down and with my first step off the stage, I transformed back into my terribly sick self.

How could this be? I thought to myself. One minute, I’m sick. The other, I’m healthy, and then I’m sick again?!

The answer may be as simple as one breath, says Sam Harris in his book Waking Up: “How we pay attention to the present moment largely determines the character of our experience and, therefore, the quality of our lives.”

Join me in trying this:

For The Next 60 Seconds, Press Pause On Whatever Mindset You Currently Have.

Take a deep inhale for four seconds followed by a deep exhale for four seconds. Repeat, starting the inhale in the deep bottom of the belly and rising it to the back of the shoulder blades. Exhale, coming back down.

Continue to breathe this way as you look around for a bit of beauty in front of you: the sunlight as it glistens off the petal of a flower, the bee that defies physics and hovers above a flower’s stamen, or a coworker or loved one who brings you joy.

Turn now to think of one bad thing that is not happening to you. You are not losing a limb. You are not running downstairs because of a missile attack. Your house is not on fire. You are not running out of water. You are not alone. And on and on and on.

You have abundant joy in your life, in this moment, in this breath.

——————-

Let me tell you a secret: When I woke up this morning, I felt lethargic and jet lagged and quickly thought of all the work I need to do, the errands that need to be done, the commitments I made to those I love, the mountain of things that I keep saying I will get to one day but never do.

In my first moments of waking up this morning, I felt defeated. Instead of focusing on the abundance of joy in my life, I focused in on the negative.

So, I shuffled over to my pour-over, fed Yoda the Cat, and took a few breaths. And in those breaths, I realized I was choosing to be unhappy.

Right now, as I type this message to you, I’m choosing to be happy.

What are you choosing right now?

To Be a Man

Growing up as a man in the modern day, I grew up torn between following what society said I should do as a manly guy and what my intuitive spirit told me is right for me as a complete human being.

As a teen, I spent hours in the gym throwing around weights trying to look like the guys on the cover of the stack of Men’s Health magazines covering my bedroom. I worked to develop biceps and a six-pack, even though I knew those superficial characteristics wouldn’t ever equal real happiness.

As I grew older, I calmed down on the weights and learned that as hard as I work to chisel my muscles, this body is just a shell to the far more important spirit.

I like craft beer. I like the crushing feeling of hip-checking a guy into the boards during a hockey game. I still love “the pump,” as Arnold would call it, during bicep curls.

But I also love om, respect my prana, and have found bliss in yoga.

Lately, I’m engaging in purposeful conversations on being a better man and I’m learning that many men feel the same way I do. They just aren’t comfortable sharing it yet. But, hopefully, as more and more men have deep and meaningful spiritual conversations, this will change.

Like sociologist Jean Kilbourne, creator of Killing Us Softly, points out — mass media has a dramatic influence on how we define our gender. We’re so easily placed in boxes of what it means to be a man or what it means to be a woman.

We’re living in a gender blender of contradictions that confuses the developing adolescent like never before.

Just as the modern woman is pushed to be both a high-powered CEO that can handle business with a harsh slice of executive prowess and a compassionate and loving mother, men are equally pushed to conform to conflicting expectations.

After spending just a few hours soaking in media (e.g. advertisements, characters in movies/television/books), here are just a few of these contradictions:

• A man is the breadwinner, but should work less hours to be a compassionate father and not an absentee dad/husband.

• A man is an ultimate fighter and defender, but then is sensitive, caring, and full of compassion.

• Men are programmed to think (or fantasize) about women all day long, but not give in to animalistic desires.

And the list goes on….(what would you add to the list?)

I’m reminded of what Dr. Dan Kindlon discovered about adolescent boys in his breakthrough documentary Raising Cain. His research helps prove that boys are actually more emotional than women, but are taught not to express their emotions and instead bottle them up. Expressing sadness and being vulnerable is too girly in the world of the developing male.

But don’t just take Dr. Kindlon’s word for it. Just spend a few days in a high school and observe male teenage behavior. It’s a testosterone pit full of emotion where boys cat call women in the echo of ethnic norms and boys are told not to cry after being tackled on the football field and suffering a painful injury.

For men, expressing emotions and being open about love are certainly not widely accepted yet.

But, showing true unconditional love is the manliest thing a guy can do. If being a man means taking the heroic journey and donning war gear as one charges into battle, then opening your heart to love is the most noble journey of all.

Opening your heart to love requires you to understand your thoughts and actions. It forces you to analyze why you say what you say and do what you do. It’s a beautiful hero’s journey that more and more men are choosing to walk. And I invite you to join me with them.

What I Learned In a Float Tank

I closed the door behind me and looked down at my new home: a one-foot deep tub of salt water meant to float my body and deprive me of my senses for the next 90 minutes. I laid down in the dense salty tub, ready to float into bliss, as the lights dimmed and the soft music that once filled the room drifted off into the abyss that now enveloped my sight.

Utter blackness.

Utter silence.

Utter weightlessness.

I had heard about floatation chambers quite often, as they continue to pop up in cities across the world like the one-time ubiquitous oxygen bars of the 1990’s. But unlike the O2 bars which promised a bit of relaxation, floatation chambers (a.k.a. sensory deprivation chambers) are said to offer unparalleled relaxation, detoxification, and a trip into the realms of higher consciousness.

Principal researcher Dr. Peter Suedfeld has devoted his work to studying the effects of sensory deprivation since leaving Princeton in the 1960s. His research continues to find how a float in a chamber can help treat chronic pain, high blood pressure, and autonomic nervous system problems. Other researchers, like Glenn Perry (one of the first to build and sell tanks), have shared the meditative benefits of a flotation chamber. When the senses are deprived, a person is more easily able to meditate since the aches and pains of the body are gone. This helps reach what yogis call Samadhi — a state of blissful awareness.

So, why did I wait so long before giving a float serious thought? Because I was scared. I like being in control (which is something I think many people can relate to).

Also, an urban legend floats around sensory deprivation of a man who lost his sanity and murdered his lover that night. That alone was enough to keep me away from the salty bath.

My friend Ian — a many-time floater and bliss-seeker — told me that his first float ended with him convinced that Planet of Apes was not fiction, but real — as real as the hardwood door that separated the flotation chamber from the apes outside who controlled the planet. After creaking open the door, Ian discovered not apes manning the front desk of the floatation center, but a few petite women in yoga pants. Not exactly the formidable opponents he expected.

While I can’t say that I left the float chamber convinced apes had taken over, I did share my own transcendental experiences that could make for the next great existential novel.

Like meditation can often be, the first twenty or so minutes in the float (it’s very tough to actually conceptualize time in a sensory deprivation chamber) dragged on like paint drying. While time seemed to slow down, my mind raced like a Formula One driver and I heard the inner sound of my mind spinning like a DJ at a meditation-fused house party.

—

Then I dipped into thinking back to my youth. And by youth, I mean floating in the primordial amniotic ooze with my placenta.

Floating there weightless, it reminded me a lot of what being a fetus must have felt like. But it didn’t feel like I was fabricating this reflection. I literally thought back to feeling what it was like as a fetus, floating there for nine months weightless, bouncing around in the womb with the comfort in knowing that everything I needed in life was being taken care of by God through my birth mother’s nutrients in this wonderful miracle we call birth.

I then thought about growing old. It occurred to me how strange that we often think of life as a period of years where we grow up through adolescence then grow old and die, when it can also be looked at as a time of continuous growth that transcends the physical existence.

Even though the body may die, our soul grows beyond the physical. Perhaps through Jungian spiritual archetypes, what we learn in this life is imprinted on our soul and carries on into the next.

Herein lies the ability to choose evolution. Our mind can continue to evolve (through mindful habits like meditation) to experience nirvana and the interconnectedness of all beings.

Perhaps we may truly be made of star stuff, as Carl Jung often alluded to.

—

I blinked. Then blinked again. Were my eyes open? Or closed? I truly couldn’t tell. I began to see stars, and then constellations form as if I were watching the blood vessels dance when we stare at the back of our eyelids.

I moved my arms and legs into constellations, floating there like I were in space.

Weightless — like the soul.

I realized that here I was floating in a salty tub, but I couldn’t feel anything. I was weightless and not distracted by body aches and pains. Gravity no more.

Here I was, the first time, having a conversation with my soul separate from the body. For the first time, I felt like I was a spirit having a bodily experience, not the other way around.

—

I thought of a question that’s been on my mind. If a person weighs the same before and after they die, but they are not there anymore, what is it that we call “I”? Where did the self go? Did the soul just float away?

Enter the ego.

I began to see the physical body as a shell that carries us out through a life to teach the soul a lesson or a series of lessons. I thought of my studies in anthropology and marketing and how we as a culture have come to behave in a way that favors the physical body and not the soul. We’ve come to think that a commodity will bring happiness, when a physical object cannot feed the soul. The soul is only fed when the body follows one’s inspiration. By living inspired one is living “in spirit” and therein walking down its path on purpose.

I realized that meditation, much like the meditation in the floating chamber, helps one recognize the ego and tune into the soul and the interconnectedness of all beings.

I suddenly felt the oneness I have read about in the work of so many, including the many holy books such as the Bible, Quran, Torah, Upanishads, Bhagavad Gita, and the Tao Te Ching.

As the lights began to flicker on and a gently strumming sound emanated from the room’s speakers, one last thought entered my mind: What if we as a world culture focused more on the similarities between the world’s many religions instead of its differences? Where would that heightened level of consciousness take us as a species?

How to 'Find' Your Purpose

"When you begin to live from your heart, you suddenly have an antidote to fear."
- Richard Rudd in The Gene Keys

Your purpose is simple. It's to create something that you -- and only you -- can create. As you think about a new year and perhaps consider setting resolutions once again, consider instead of resolutions asking yourself one simple question:

What am I creating?

Because you came into this world through creation, in the answer to that question lies your divine-inspired purpose.

Your unique life.

Your unique beauty.

Your unique story.

There's something only you can create.

Create What Inspires You

Out of what inspires you, what can you create in your life... this year...this day?

If you're into setting SMART goals, go for it. Put it on your screen saver, write it on the ceiling above your bed, or set up calendar reminders to ping you every week to remind you. If SMART goals aren't for you, then try this. Just ask yourself every day, "What can I create today?"

Consider setting up a daily meditation practice and saying this daily affirmation to yourself at the beginning and end of your meditation (or creating one of your own): "I am living inspired, listening to my spirit, and using my gifts to create."

Living Inspired

When you're living inspired, you are living "in spirit". You are living in tune with what you came into this world with.

Inspiration is the air fills you like a hot-air balloon. It's a natural high that no drug could ever reach. It's the flow where your life's work pours out of you like water out of a natural spring.

Your Purpose Will Serve Others

From billionaire to pauper, I've never met anyone whose source of encouragement comes from material objects. Lust for money, power, fame can only get us so far.

True motivation comes from recognizing who you are serving.

Let's face it. We need encouragement to create. Creation takes a lot of coffee and late nights. "Good Job" star stickers may have pushed us to a new frontier as children, but they fall flat as adults. And that bonus you get after an annual review? That only works for a while.

Deep and meaningful encouragement -- the type of encouragement that pushes you to create something that matters -- comes from a simple "Thank you." Knowing that something you worked so hard to achieve in your life had a positive impact on another's life will take you further than any gold star or holiday bonus. And the funny thing? The more thanks you get for your work, and the more people you've served in your life, the easier those gold stars and bonuses come your way. They just don't matter as much anymore.

----

So, as you embark on your life on purpose, ask yourself this simple question: What am I creating? Answering that question will help steer you down your beautiful path on purpose.

----

Religious ideology set aside, somehow we came into this world. Somehow we came into the being we now call the self. Somehow, we were created.

Through nine months of magical creation and beyond, you grew into the beautiful creation of you.

Asking ourselves, "What am I creating?" simply brings us back to day one.

Beyond Playing It Safe

The last time I saw Brian, he had just gotten his prom photo taken and ran a 5-minute mile on the school track team. But now, as I looked in front of me stood a grown man with a beard donning a set of nurse scrubs.

"Mr. Guay... is that you?" he said as I carefully adjusted my paper-thin gown that doctors give patients before a physical exam.

"Why yes, it is," I replied with a sheepish grin feeling a bit like a celebrity on one hand and, on the other hand, making sure my gown covered my buttocks.

"How have you been Brian? You still running these days?" I said.

He shot back a look of surprise.

"You remember me?" he said.

"Of course," I replied.

We talked for a few minutes and in that short span of time as Brian took my height and weight before the doctor arrived, he had said what I cringe to hear.

"I'm currently working at (current job), but thinking of going back to school for (my passion)."

Brian explained to me that he originally went to school for nursing because his parents had said it was the smart thing to do. But he's bored -- really bored -- and he feels the calling to follow his inspiration and open up a food truck.

Brian is not alone and unfortunately, I hear this quite a bit. Like Brian, many people leave high school to begin a career or get a degree in something that is safe.

I don't blame them at all. Growing up in a blue collar family, I know the feeling of depending on the next paycheck. It's a terrible feeling. So I get safe.

But playing it safe rarely works out.

So, what holds people back from following their bliss and living inspired? A bit of ancient wisdom may have the answer.

The Four Branches That Hold Us Back

We are a deeply rooted species that is resistant to change, say Chip and Dan Heath, two sociologists at Stanford who have devoted their lives to helping make large-scale societal shifts a real thing.

The Heath brothers explain that over time and through generations, we have come to define (and very slowly redefine) the idea of "normal" or "common sense. This clouds our perception as we go through life and steers us away from any path that isn't considered safe.

In yoga, we call this Avidya, which translates as the film that covers our ability to see clearly. To see clearly, we need to let go of the following:

1. Attachment

Attachment is the tug-o-war between owning things and having them own you. It's what makes some people need a Rolex to feel successful and others (like some Jains in India) to literally have (or wear) nothing at all to feel content. It's getting upset when you can't find that favorite pair of yoga pants and getting upset when someone offers unsolicited criticism. It's that feeling of disappointment when a dream you held on to for so long is holding you back from living the life that is waiting for you.

Join me in trying this: In meditation or perhaps when you have only a few seconds in the subway commute and are feeling upset, repeat the mantra "Let Go." On a deep inhale say to yourself "Let" and on the exhale say "Go."

2. Ego

Like you can't see the current when in the river, but can easily see the swift moving water when sitting on the shore, ego is there with us as we swim through life. Ego is the wall we put up to separate ourselves from another. It's the identity crisis that follows losing a job and the reason we stand in line for hours on Black Friday to get the shiny new object for a price we can actually afford. It's the fancy letters we put before our names to represent a degree and the selfie I took at the gym yesterday. But it's also feeling guilty when you do have the shiny new objects, the fancy letters, or the bulging biceps.

Join me in trying this: When I feel emotions getting the best of me, I turn inward to my breath and through meditation begin to see ego hiding behind my emotions. When I call out ego, the curtain gets pushed aside and it no longer controls me. The next time you find emotions getting the best of you, ask yourself, "Is this my ego talking?"

3. Fear

Fear is doubting our ability to slay the Arthurian dragon that protects the holy grail. It's not taking that first step because you don't feel ready to run a marathon or not joining a yoga studio because you don't look like a Lululemon model. It's bundling up our kids so much they look like a fluffy marshmallow when they board the morning school bus. It's the voice inside our heads that like to say, "you can't do that" and it's the reason we idolize celebrities as if they were any different than us.

Join me in trying this: Often times, we fear most what we can't control. So, find something you do have control over that you're scared of and do something about it. For me, I'm terrified of heights and I can control whether or not I go rock climbing in a safe indoor facility. And boy, you should see me. I shake and quiver as I climb up those rocks and probably look ridiculous. But I'm pushing through fear.

4. Rejection

Rejection is falling off the proverbial horse and not getting back up on it to try again. It's getting bullied on the playground and taking a new route home to avoid the bullies. It's appearing on Shark Tank in hopes to land that needed seed funding only to be laughed off the stage with no money in the bank, then never starting up a business again. Simply put, it's settling for anything less than the greatest version of yourself.

Join me in trying this: Whenever you feel scared to try again, read the biographies of the people you wish to emulate. Like Michael Jordan and Thomas Edison, living out the greatest version of oneself always has a not-so-beautiful trail of failures that lead to that one ten-year-overnight success.

Five Accountability Strings to Pull You Up When You Want to Quit

My feet felt like slabs of concrete and as my body shivered, the thought of a hot shower and a bed to collapse into taunted me like the sirens in Greek maritime lore. As I passed the mile 20 marker, a bed of green grass poked through the Philadelphia snow and I thought how convenient that it happened to be the perfect size for my 6'2" frame to lay down for a nap.

I could lay down right and drift off. I could end the pain, I thought.

I looked over to my left and nodded to Rich, the guy I've been training with for months to get us ready for the Philadelphia Marathon. I puffed up my chest and forced a smile and as he continued to run I did too, shadowing his movements pretending like I wasn't struggling. Inwardly, however, I wanted to quit.

It was November. It was freezing cold. I was tired.

Step by step like a pendulum I bounced on and turned inward for empowerment, repeating my positive mantra meditation, and in what now seems like just a few minutes late, Rich and I celebrated our victory with a warm pretzel, chicken broth, and, in the kind of celebration that screams irony at an event that celebrates fitness, we drank beer. Delicious, sugary, glutenous, chest bumping beer.

The other day as I sat down to write I stared at a blank screen, the cursor taunting me like Medusa's eyes. Frozen in stone, my fingers just hovered over the keyboard. Eventually, I closed up my laptop and said to myself that tomorrow is a new day.

A few hours later, one of those tiny miracles that peeks out just when you need it happened. There, at the top of my email box rested a beautiful message which explained how my writing and positive message has helped her through a very difficult time.

As I read through the email, I felt like on cloud nine. Then, insecurity reared its all too common head: "My writing!? You mean someone actually reads my stuff?"

That email brought me to tears, much like an earlier email from a former student had explained that my positivity as her teacher had kept her on the positive when secretly at home she had considered suicide.

So I returned to that blank screen motivated to write. I opened up my laptop again and words poured out of me like a spring of water.

This wasn't the first time a tiny miracle motivated me to push through a creative block. It seems that every time I personally struggle to create something myself, something comes my way that says "HELLO....DUDE...YOU NEED TO CREATE MORE OF THIS AND THAT... YOUR WORK IS IMPORTANT"

When I struggle to create something, I've learned that a simple desire to turn an idea into a creation isn't enough to be consistent. To continue to move forward, I pull from multiple strings of accountability which I learned from my days of endurance racing and coaching.

Five Accountability Strings to Pull You Up When You Want to Quit

1. Motivation From The Inside

Some days (not that many to be completely honest) I just feel super inspired and get out of bed, ready to rock and roll and create something. Other days, I force myself to sit in meditation and after twenty minutes of mindful meditation following by repeating positive affirmations, I feel inspired to create.

2. Motivation From The Outside

Some days, I will read an email like the one I shared above that will motivate me. Other days, I know my wife, Kaitlyn, and I will be having dinner where we'll share our stories of what we created that day. I want to show up for that conversation with something, mainly because she always shows up and I'm always inspired by her creative genius.

Other days, I will need my accountability partners.

Each week I talk to two accountability partners who each ask me about what I created that week and what I plan on creating the next week. Knowing that these two people are counting on me help turn on the creator inside.

3. Progress is Better Than Perfect (Just Ship It)

I have always believed that done is better than perfect. Otherwise, the perfectionist will always tell me it's not good enough to share. Or the lizard brain, as Seth Godin calls it, will creep in and tell me my work is crap and no one wants to read it.

But if I never took a first step I never would have ran a marathon.

4. The Perks of Being a Student

When I'm learning something that inspires me, I churn the creative engine faster. Right now, for instance, as I go through yoga teacher training I am once again humbled and excited to create. Humbled because I realize how much I need to learn and excited because there is so much to learn. When we're learning, we're growing, and when we're growing we push through to create something newly remarkable.

Just make sure to choose the right teacher that motivates you. My yoga teachers are extremely dedicated to their craft and every week they come to the studio excited to share something that they are personally working on along with a lesson they've learned through their years of experience. Their expertise weaved together with their own humble trials help motivate me.

5. Build Yourself Up With Empowering People

I once hired a high-profile ( i.e. ridiculously super expensive) book editor who was really helpful...at making me feel like a terrible writer. Yes, we all need to be open to criticism (I certainly learned that through my brief stint as an actor). It takes many critical eyes to create something of perfection, but it equally requires a lot of people to help cheer you on.

Like the marathon, for instance, just imagine how many people would never ever finish the marathon if there wasn't a giant crowd cheering them on as they ran. I can tell you from personal experience, endurance racing is a heck of a lot harder when there isn't a giant crowd cheering to propel you forward.

Build a crowd of encouragement through the friends that you choose, the accountability partners you pick, and the places you choose to spend your time.

--

Most importantly, to push through a creative barrier we need a bit of trust in ourselves knowing that whatever the marathon is, it all begins with one step. As Van Gogh put it, "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced."

Living Well With Lyme Disease: 5 Tips to Be a Better Husband in 'Sickness and in Health'

When you take your partner's hand in marriage and swear to love this person "in sickness and in health", no one really expects the sickness part to come first.

Especially when it begins on the honeymoon and you just turned 27.

The sun crested over Mt. Kilauea as Kaitlyn and I drove our Jeep rental up the big island of Hawaii. Just days into the honeymoon, we had that glow about us much like two kids shuffling off to prom: giggling, canoodling, and posing for far too many photos.

Our nostrils flared at the sulfuric smell of volcanic ash and molten lava as we pulled up to Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park and began to explore the area.

My appetite for geology giddied up like a scientist and I pulled Kaitlyn with me to "get a closer look." But when I walked forward, she tugged backward. With a look on her face that screamed doomsday, she felt intense fatigue, joint pain and mental cloudiness.

Anxiety stiffened her natural mellow posture. This preliminary symptom precipitated into with what we eventually discovered to be Lyme Disease: a severely debilitating disease passed on to humans through a tick bite. 300,000 cases are reported each year in the U.S. alone, yet news of the disease rarely makes international headlines. It affects everyone differently, but the most common include crushing fatigue, severe mental cloudiness, migraines, and intense joint pain. After becoming infected, many with the illness struggle to find the energy to do simple tasks like making breakfast.

It's been five years since that day on top of Mt. Kilauea. In that time, Lyme Disease took Kaitlyn from running a marathon to riding in a wheelchair to go to the farmer's market.

Through this experience, I've grown to learn a bit about what it takes to be a better husband when your spouse depends on you to be the caretaker.

For all of you out there who currently play the role of caretaker and strive to be the best spouse for your partner, understand that you're not alone on your journey. As I continue to share my story and talk to other caretakers, I am overwhelmed at the amount of people who keep their story hidden behind the cloak that "everything is okay" when in actuality they are struggling to find balance between their role as caretaker with other roles such as parent, friend, employee or business owner.

Many feel they will be looked at as weak if they are honest about their struggle. Consider instead what Joseph Campbell teaches us about the struggles in life: "Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging."

5 Tips to be a Better Man in "Sickness and in Health"

1. Continue To Be Compassionate When Acute Turns Long-Term

Pema Chodron, author of Living Beautifully, often reminds us that the best person we can be is a compassionate one. When we have compassion, we treat everyone around us with love and understanding. And when your spouse is sick, they need a whole lot of love and understanding.

But when acute sickness turns long-term, this isn't so easy. You need to constantly set reminders and cues to help instill compassion. After six months, even seemingly big events like driving to the emergency room can start to feel routine and you may be less compassionate when taking care of your spouse.

Long-term illness breaks a person down, mentally and physically. Imagine a finish line that keeps moving further away during a marathon and you begin to understand where I'm coming from.

But there's a deep well of compassion inside all of us. Dr. Paul Coleman, author of Finding Peace When Your Heart is in Pieces, reminds us that "Even when you're tired and you have a lot of heartache, giving to others is not impossible... compassion may not end your heartbreak, but it could mend heartbreak."

2. Forget Your Plan and Set Intentions to Live in the Present

A hero of mine, Joseph Campbell, once said "You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you."

Campbell hits the nail on the head with this one. Before we got married, Kaitlyn and I planned to travel the world and vagabond -- soaking in the multi-cultural beauty on this planet. We imagined a standard poodle, a baby, and buying a home in San Diego on the beach within the first five years of marriage.

It's been over four long years and no baby, no poodle, no house on beach (yet). No San Diego (yet). But that's okay. We've learned that extending happiness to hopeful outcomes does little to find happiness in the present.

Instead of dwelling in the negative sea of despair, Kaitlyn has set aside her career as a teacher since leaving the classroom due to her medical condition three years ago and has focused on what she can create. She's written a fantasy YA novel, created a jewelry line based on the elemental healing properties of gemstones for her novel's characters, and has turned our kitchen into her home office.

As much as we would never have chosen this path, we can't ignore the remarkable beauty that's come out of it.

3. Find Time for Intimacy

When you become someone's caretaker, it becomes difficult to switch between playing the role of caretaker and then of a lover.

But you need to touch. You need to spend time physically touching each other. This could be as simple as cuddling or a light massage if sexual intimacy is too difficult.

Try this: at night hold each other in an embrace and share three things you each are grateful for.

4. Make Sure to Speak Their Love Language

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, shows us that we can exhaust ourselves showing love to our partners, but if we're not speaking their love language, our effort goes to waste and love may not be perceived.

You may just be speaking a different love language if you're left feeling exhausted and your spouse still doesn't feel loved.

If "Words of Affirmation" are what your spouse needs, for instance, then you need to speak this language, even if another love language like "Acts of Service" or "Physical Touch" is your favorite form of expression.

When your spouse suffers a long-term illness, they will need more love than ever to help them not feel abandoned.

5. Add "Yet", Avoid FOMO, and Embrace a Beginner's Mind

For all those things you feel you are missing out on (and the Fear of Missing Out can be a dangerous negative spiral), consider adding the word "yet" to these. You can be anything you want to be even if it hasn't happened... yet.

Consider the concept of "Beginner's Mind" to curve FOMO.

Having a beginner's mind allows us to approach everyday experiences like we did on day one, with awe and appreciation.

To the beginner, all it takes is a simple sunrise to smile.