The 4-Dimensional Father: How Fathers Break Generational Patterns and Shape the Future Their Children Deserve

It’s time to come out of the caves and into the village. For fathers who have already embarked on the journey of personal growth, faced their shadows, and committed to self-improvement, there’s a new challenge on the horizon. It’s not just about continuing their work—it’s about integrating that work into every aspect of their lives as fathers. The question isn’t whether they’ve done enough; it’s whether they’re ready to embody the role of a father who breaks generational cycles and consciously regenerates a legacy that will enrich generations to come.

Despite all their personal development work, many fathers still find old patterns resurfacing in their lives. They’ve explored their shadows, yet traces of their father’s struggles linger in their behavior, especially how they interact with their children. This isn’t just a psychological hurdle—it’s a challenge rooted in epigenetics, the science that shows how the experiences and traumas of past generations are encoded in DNA, influencing thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

But here’s the trailhead: just as these patterns have been passed down, they can be rewritten. Fathers have the opportunity to do more than break the cycle—they can transform it, creating new patterns that their children will inherit. This involves acquiring and embodying the skills and qualities their fathers and grandfathers did not possess. It’s about consciously choosing to become a regenerative force, a father who not only heals the past but also plants seeds for a flourishing future.

These fathers have already laid the groundwork. They know how to lead, protect, and act wisely. However, the challenge is whether they fully embrace their potential to become a 4-Dimensional Father. This isn’t just about doing more inner work—it’s about fully integrating that work into every facet of their fatherhood.

• Authority: Are they leading their families with strength and compassion, ensuring their decisions empower their children rather than control them?

• Wisdom: Are they channeling their life’s experiences into guidance that teaches and inspires? Are they modeling the maturity that can only come from deep reflection and growth?

• Protection: Are they safeguarding what truly matters—their children’s emotional well-being, sense of security, and courage to explore the world? And are they doing this without slipping into the old shadow of dominance or fear?

• Legacy: Finally, are they building something that will last? Not just material success, but a legacy of values, regenerative practices, and a better world because of their influence?

This is where epigenetics and conscious evolution intersect. By embodying the 4-Dimensional Father, these men aren’t just changing their own lives—they’re altering the genetic legacy they pass on. They’re ensuring that their children, and their children’s children, inherit not just their strengths but also the wisdom and love cultivated through years of personal development.

So, what’s next? These fathers have done the work, but now it’s time to bring it all together, to take everything they’ve learned and turn it into a living, breathing practice that shapes the world their children will inherit.

If they’re ready to take this step, it’s time to unleash the power within them fully. This isn’t about perfection—it’s about progress, continually evolving, and integrating the qualities that will create a legacy worth inheriting.

The world needs fathers who do the work and live it, leading their families and generations forward. The choice is theirs: Will they be those fathers? Will they step up and embody the regenerative power that their children need and deserve?

A Deeper Dive Into The 4-Dimensional Father

The 4-Dimensional Father is a new framework rooted in modern developmental psychology, largely inspired by the work of Plotkin, Wilber, and Moore. It is designed to guide men through the complexities of fatherhood in a way that is balanced, impactful, and deeply rooted in personal growth. This approach goes beyond traditional ideas of fatherhood and offers a holistic blueprint for men ready to step up and lead with greater purpose, power, and profit. 

At the heart of this framework are four key dimensions that every father must cultivate to become the leader his family needs. Let’s explore these dimensions more deeply, including the archetype that defines them.

Authority

Authority is about more than just setting rules—it's about leading with confidence and compassion. A 4-Dimensional Father knows how to make decisions that empower his children while maintaining their respect and trust. He understands that true authority is not about control but about guiding his children to become the best versions of themselves.

• The Guide: The Father King
  The Father King embodies the ideal of balanced leadership. He rules with a firm yet gentle hand, making decisions that are in the best interest of his family. He is fair, just, and compassionate, always considering the long-term impact of his actions. The Father King knows that his authority is not just a tool for control, but a means to empower his children to grow into strong, independent individuals. He leads by example, demonstrating the values and principles he wishes to instill in his children.

• The Shadow: The Tyrant
  When the Father King is out of balance, he can become The Tyrant. The Tyrant rules with an iron fist, demanding obedience through fear and intimidation. Instead of empowering his children, he stifles their growth, imposing his will without regard for their individuality or autonomy. The Tyrant’s authority becomes a means of control, driven by insecurity and a desire to dominate. Fathers must be vigilant against this shadow, ensuring their authority remains a source of strength and guidance rather than oppression.

Wisdom

Wisdom comes from experience, reflection, and a deep understanding of life’s complexities. The 4-Dimensional Father channels his life’s lessons into guidance that helps his children navigate challenges and inspires them to think critically and act with integrity. He is a mentor, a guide, and a source of insight into his children’s lives.

• The Guide: The Elder
  The Elder represents the wise mentor who has walked the path and now shares his knowledge with the next generation. The Elder is patient, reflective, and deeply in tune with the rhythms of life. He offers guidance that is not just practical but profound, helping his children to see beyond the surface of things and understand the deeper meaning of their experiences. The Elder’s wisdom is a source of strength, offering clarity and insight in times of confusion and doubt.

• The Shadow: The Adolescent
  When The Elder’s wisdom is not fully realized, he can regress into The Adolescent. The Adolescent is impulsive, reactive, and often driven by an underdeveloped ego. Instead of offering thoughtful guidance, he may give in to impatience or frustration, leading his children astray with poorly considered advice. The Adolescent lacks the maturity to see the bigger picture and focuses instead on immediate gratification or short-term solutions. Fathers must be aware of this shadow, continually striving to deepen their wisdom and avoid falling back into adolescent patterns.

Protection

Protection goes beyond physical safety. It’s about creating an environment where children feel emotionally secure and supported. The 4-Dimensional Father protects his family with integrity, ensuring that his actions build trust rather than fear. He is a guardian of his children’s well-being, providing them the stability they need to explore the world confidently.

• The Guide: The Wild Warrior
  The Wild Warrior is the protector of the family, embodying strength, courage, and a fierce commitment to safeguarding what is most precious. The Wild Warrior’s protection is not about aggression but about creating a generative space where his children can grow and thrive. He is vigilant and always ready to defend his family against external threats. Still, he also knows when to stand back and allow his children to take risks and learn from their own experiences, especially when exploring the world's natural landscapes. The Wild Warrior’s strength is tempered by compassion, ensuring his actions build trust and security within the family.

• The Shadow: The Bully
  When The Wild Warrior’s strength is not balanced with compassion, he can become The Bully. The Bully uses his power to dominate and control, instilling fear rather than security. He does not know the difference between healthy anger and naive aggression. Instead of protecting his family, The Bully creates an environment of tension and anxiety where his children may feel oppressed or afraid. The Bully’s protection becomes overbearing, preventing his children from developing their sense of autonomy and confidence. Fathers must guard against this shadow by ensuring their protective instincts always align with their children's well-being and emotional security.

Legacy

Legacy is a father's lasting impact—not just in wealth or accomplishments, but in the values, beliefs, and work passed down to future generations. The 4-Dimensional Father is intentional about the legacy he creates, understanding that his actions today will shape the world his children inherit tomorrow.

• The Guide: The Builder
  The Builder is focused on creating something that will endure long after he is gone. He is thoughtful and intentional about the legacy he leaves, whether through the values he instills in his children, the traditions he establishes, or the impact he has on his community and the world. The Builder’s work is not just about material success, even though The Builder models abundance in his successes; it’s about bringing to light the sacred gifts within and using them to create regenerative work that enhances the world for generations to come. 

• The Shadow: The Hoarder
  When The Builder’s focus on legacy becomes unbalanced, he can fall into The Hoarder’s trap. The Hoarder is obsessed with the accumulation—of wealth, power, or status—at the expense of what truly matters. Instead of creating a meaningful legacy, The Hoarder clings to material possessions or superficial achievements driven by fear of loss or inadequacy. He chooses safety over acting in alignment and avoids failure by not doing any work of real worth. The Hoarder’s legacy is hollow, lacking the depth and richness of living with purpose and integrity. 

Ebb and Flow: Navigating Between States

Every father will experience an ebb and flow between these expanded and contracted states, between the Guide and the Shadow. This fluctuation is a natural part of the human experience, especially in the demanding role of fatherhood. The key to growth and transformation lies in awareness—recognizing when one has slipped into a shadow state and taking steps to return to the expanded guide state.

• Recognize the Shift: The first step is to become aware of when you are in a contracted state. This may manifest as increased tension, frustration, or feeling overwhelmed. Notice the signs that you are embodying The Tyrant, The Adolescent, The Bully, or The Hoarder. Awareness is the first step toward change.

• Pause and Reflect: Once you recognize that you are in a shadow state, take a moment to pause and reflect. What triggered this shift? What unmet needs or unresolved emotions are driving your behavior? Reflection lets you understand the underlying causes of your contraction and prepares you to move forward with intention.

• Shift to the Expanded State: With awareness and reflection, you can consciously move out of the shadow and embody the expanded archetype. Remind yourself of the qualities of the Father King, the Elder, the Wild Warrior, and the Builder. Ask yourself how you can bring these qualities into the present moment, whether through a change in perspective, a different approach to a situation, or simply taking a deep breath and resetting your intentions.

• Practice Compassion: Finally, practice self-compassion. Understand that slipping into a shadow state does not make you a bad father; it makes you human. The goal is not to achieve perfection but to continually strive for growth and improvement. Be kind to yourself as you navigate this journey, knowing that each moment offers an opportunity to learn and embody the highest version of yourself.

The Role of The Shadow Archetypes in Healing and Growth

The Shadow archetypes of The Tyrant, Adolescent, Bully, and Hoarder often manifest as dominant forces in a man's internal landscape, but they are not inherently malicious. Rather, these shadows serve as protectors, shielding more vulnerable, wounded parts of the psyche shaped by past experiences, traumas, or unmet needs. This is where the work of breaking generational patterns comes in fully. While seemingly destructive or oppressive on the surface, these protector parts are attempts by the psyche to maintain safety and stability in response to earlier wounds that have not yet been healed.

The Tyrant may emerge to prevent a man from feeling powerless, guarding a younger part that once felt helpless or out of control. With his impulsivity and reactive nature, The Adolescent often shields the inner child from feelings of inadequacy or failure. The Bully, who uses aggression to dominate, typically protects a deeply vulnerable part that fears rejection or betrayal. Similarly, The Hoarder accumulates and clings to material or emotional resources to stave off the anxiety of scarcity or abandonment that a younger part may have experienced early on in life.

Understanding that these shadow archetypes are protectors allows for a profound shift in how a man interacts with these aspects of himself. Rather than viewing them as enemies to be defeated, they can be approached with compassion and curiosity. By acknowledging the intention behind these protectors—to keep the wounded, vulnerable parts of the self safe—a man can begin to build a relationship with them that is based on trust and respect.

Healing occurs when a man gets permission from these protective parts to approach the younger, wounded aspects of himself with courageous compassion. This is where self-fathering comes into play. By acting as a nurturing and supportive inner father, a man can offer the care, understanding, and protection his younger self may have lacked. This process allows the wounded child within to be seen, heard, and ultimately healed. As these wounds are addressed, the need for the protective behaviors of the shadow archetypes diminishes, allowing the man to embody the expanded, balanced states of The Father King, The Elder, The Wild Warrior, and The Builder.

In this way, the journey of healing and self-fathering is not about eradicating the shadows but integrating them, transforming their protective energy into the strengths of the 4-Dimensional Father. This integration leads to a more whole, authentic expression of fatherhood, where authority, wisdom, protection, and legacy are aligned with love, compassion, and a deep understanding of the self.

At Home and Work: The 4-Dimensional Father

Embodying The 4-Dimensional Father isn’t just a theoretical exercise—it’s about applying these archetypes in everyday life in ways that deeply impact your home, relationship with your partner, and professional life. Here are some practical ways to bring the qualities of The Father King, The Elder, The Wild Warrior, and The Builder into these key areas of your life.

At Home: Creating a Nurturing and Empowering Environment

At home, The Father King leads by creating an environment where children feel safe and empowered. This can be as simple as setting clear, consistent boundaries while encouraging your children to make their own decisions. For example, allowing your children to choose their extracurricular activities or master a skill they are interested in can help them develop autonomy, while your role is to provide guidance, structure, and support. The Wild Warrior comes into play when it’s time to protect this environment—whether managing screen time, ensuring a healthy diet or mediating conflicts with siblings to foster understanding rather than resentment.

In Your Relationship: Building a Strong Partnership with Your Partner

Embodying The Elder means offering wisdom and understanding in your relationship with your partner. This could involve actively listening to your partner’s concerns and providing thoughtful responses rather than quick fixes. It’s about recognizing when to share your insights and when to be present as a supportive companion. The Builder is also key in your relationship, focusing on long-term goals and shared visions. Regularly discussing and aligning on your goals as a couple—financial planning, parenting strategies, or personal growth—ensures that you’re building a legacy together, one rooted in mutual respect and shared values.

At Work: Leading with Integrity and Vision

The Father King’s balanced authority can be seen in how you lead your team in the workplace. Instead of micromanaging, empower your employees by trusting them with responsibilities and encouraging their professional growth. Lead by example, demonstrating the work ethic and integrity you expect from others. The Elder’s wisdom can guide you in making strategic decisions that benefit the organization in the long run rather than opting for short-term gains. Finally, The Builder is your ally in crafting a vision for your career or business beyond immediate success. It’s about thinking strategically about how your work can contribute to a greater good, whether through mentoring younger colleagues, championing ethical practices, or innovating in ways that positively impact your industry.

By applying these archetypes practically across different aspects of your life, you can create a cohesive, impactful approach to fatherhood, partnership, and leadership that is both fulfilling and transformative.

My Journey to Embodying the 4-Dimensional Father

When I first became a father, I was determined to break the generational patterns that had defined my upbringing. My father was an absent alcoholic, a man whose presence in my life was more of a shadow than a source of support. Growing up, I watched as his addiction tore our family apart, leading me to finally convince my mother to get a divorce when I was old enough to understand the impact it was having on us. I promised myself that when I had a family of my own, I would be everything my father wasn’t—present, engaged, and loving. 

Yet, fatherhood cracked open my facade of having it all together. I had a successful career, a loving wife, and a beautiful two-year-old son, but the weight of fatherhood was heavier than I had anticipated. I wanted to be the best father I could be, but soon I was slipping into behaviors I had vowed to avoid. The demands of work, combined with the pressures of parenting, left me feeling stretched thin, and I started noticing a troubling shift in my behavior—becoming more short-tempered, controlling, and distant at home.

One evening, after an exhausting day at work, I found my son playing in the living room. His toys were scattered everywhere, and he had just finished building a tall tower of Legos. Frustrated by the mess and overwhelmed, I kicked over his tower without thinking. My son’s eyes filled with tears, and he began to cry. That moment hit me hard—seeing the pain I had caused him, I felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. My wife, watching from the kitchen, gently pulled me aside and asked, “Is this really how you want to interact with our son?”

Her words struck a deep chord within me. I realized that I was embodying The Tyrant, the shadow side of The Father King. The stress from work and my unresolved frustrations spilled over into my home life, turning me into the kind of father I had promised myself I would never become.

That night, as I lay in bed replaying the scene in my mind, I knew something had to change. I had done plenty of personal development work, including shadow work and transformational retreats, but it was clear that I still needed to include a crucial piece of the puzzle. That’s when I created the 4-Dimensional Father. It was like a light bulb went off inside me. I began to see how I had been slipping into the shadow archetypes—The Tyrant when I felt out of control, The Adolescent when I acted out of frustration, The Bully when I lashed out in anger, and The Hoarder when I clung to old ways out of fear.

I realized these shadow archetypes were more than just negative traits—they were protectors, guarding the vulnerable, wounded parts of myself that had been hurt long ago. The Tyrant emerged when I felt powerless, trying to assert control in an overwhelming world. The Adolescent surfaced when I struggled with feelings of inadequacy, and The Bully appeared when I feared failure or rejection. The Hoarder held onto outdated patterns, trying to stave off the anxiety of change.

Understanding this was the turning point. I knew I needed to approach these shadow parts with compassion to embody the expanded states of The Father King, The Elder, The Wild Warrior, and The Builder. I started working on gaining permission from these protectors to approach the younger, wounded parts of myself with the care and support they had always needed. It wasn’t easy, but it was essential. I had to become the father to myself that I hadn’t had, offering the love, understanding, and protection that would allow me to heal and grow.

I noticed a profound shift as I integrated this work into my daily life. I became more patient, present, and intentional in showing up as a father. I learned to lead with authority that empowered my son rather than controlling him. Rather than impulsively reacting, I designed self-care into my day so I do my inner work regularly. I started protecting my family not out of scarcity but with integrity, creating an environment of trust and security. And I started building a legacy about more than material success—one rooted in love, values, and purpose.

This journey hasn’t been easy, and it’s far from over. But every day, I strive to embody the 4-Dimensional Father, knowing that the work I’m doing now will shape not only my life but also the lives of my son and future generations.

The Gradual Process of Becoming a 4-Dimensional Father

Embodying the 4-Dimensional Father is not an overnight transformation; it’s a gradual process that unfolds over time, marked by different stages of growth and self-discovery. As with any meaningful journey, fathers need to recognize that progress doesn’t happen in a straight line. There will be moments of significant breakthroughs and times when setbacks and challenges arise. Understanding this dynamic can help manage expectations and foster a more compassionate approach to personal growth.

One of the most critical realizations on this journey is that setbacks are not failures—they are a natural part of the process. Every father will encounter moments when old patterns resurface or when the demands of life make it difficult to consistently embody the qualities of The Father King, The Elder, The Wild Warrior, and The Builder. These moments are not indicators of inadequacy but opportunities for reflection and growth. By acknowledging these setbacks as part of the journey, fathers can approach them with curiosity rather than self-criticism, asking themselves what can be learned and how they can move forward more intentionally.

This is where the concept of progress over perfection becomes essential. It’s easy to fall into the trap of believing that to be a good father, one must never falter. However, this mindset can be more harmful than helpful, leading to feelings of frustration and inadequacy. Instead, fathers should focus on their progress, no matter how small. Each step forward, no matter how incremental, is a victory. Embracing this mindset allows fathers to celebrate their growth and remain motivated, even in the face of challenges.

Patience with oneself is crucial in this process. Just as a father would encourage his child to be patient and persistent in learning a new skill, he must extend the same kindness to himself. Growth as a 4-Dimensional Father is not about achieving perfection but consistently striving to improve, learning from mistakes, and continuing to evolve. Persistence—showing up each day to grow and embody these archetypes—will yield far greater results than striving for an unattainable standard of perfection.

No man is an island, and fatherhood is not a solo endeavor. The pressures of work, family, and personal growth can sometimes feel overwhelming, and it’s in these moments that having a strong support system becomes invaluable. Through formal coaching, support groups, or peer networks, fathers can find the guidance, encouragement, and accountability they need to stay on track and continue growing.

Becoming a 4-Dimensional Father is one of the most profound and transformative paths a man can undertake. It’s a journey that goes beyond the traditional expectations of fatherhood, requiring a deep commitment to personal growth, self-reflection, and intentional action.  This journey is not without its challenges. There will be moments of setback when the shadows of the Tyrant, the Adolescent, the Bully, and the Hoarder creep in, threatening to derail progress. But it’s in these moments that the true essence of the 4-Dimensional Father shines through—by recognizing these shadows as protectors, understanding their role, and approaching them with compassion, fathers can transform these challenges into opportunities for growth.

As fathers integrate these archetypes into their daily lives—at home, in their relationships, and at work—they become better fathers, partners, leaders, and human beings. They learn to harmonize their roles within their families, creating a supportive, nurturing environment where everyone can thrive. They develop the patience and persistence to navigate the gradual growth process, embracing progress over perfection.

But most importantly, fathers who embody the 4-Dimensional Father leave a legacy far beyond their own lives. They build a foundation of love, wisdom, protection, and purpose that will be passed down through generations, influencing their and children’s children. This is the true power of the 4-Dimensional Father—a legacy that transforms, heals, and uplifts, creating a ripple effect that touches countless lives.

For those ready to embark on this journey, the time to start is now. The path may be challenging, but the rewards are immeasurable for the father and his family. Embrace the role of the 4-Dimensional Father, and watch as your life and those you love are forever changed.

Below are a few resources to guide fathers' journey to becoming The 4-Dimensional Father. 

Resources

• Community: Become a Founding Father and join an upcoming 4-Dimensional Father group-coaching cohort

Meditation:  This meditation is designed to help a father harness the power of the inner father so he can feel a deep sense of freedom within

11 Steps To Heal The Past And Strengthen Bonds

Becoming a father can stir up unsettling emotions, especially when it brings back memories of your childhood and your relationship with your dad. The Internal Family Systems (IFS) model helps us understand that these emotions often come from a younger part of us—a little boy who didn’t get his needs met or went through some serious trauma. Here are eleven actionable steps to help you connect with that inner child and start healing those old wounds. That way, you can show up to your own kids with a deeper presence and break generational patterning. Remember that what a father cannot access in himself, he cannot pass on to his children. So the more you do to heal your own inner world, the better father you’ll be able to be.

1. Recognize your trigger moments

Identify the situations that trigger strong emotional reactions related to your father. This could be during family gatherings during the holidays or when you have a strong emotional reaction to your own children. These moments can provide clues about the unresolved issues within you. Keep a journal to track these triggers and your responses to them. For example, if you’re finding yourself getting bothered by your kids wanting to stay outside and play instead of coming in for dinner, causing you to want to scream or your blood boil, chances are it’s because during your own childhood, your wildness was stifled by a parent. Reconigizing how your own story relates to the way you raise your kids is an extremely powerful step to breaking generational trauma and rewriting your family’s story.

2. Recognize and nurture your inner child for healing

Take a moment to acknowledge the young boy inside you who experienced pain and unmet needs. Simply recognizing his presence is the first step towards healing. Say, "I see you, and I know you're hurting."

3. Create a safe space for internal dialogue

Find a quiet, comfortable place to have uninterrupted time to connect with your inner child. This could be a room in your house, a peaceful spot in a park, or anywhere you feel safe and relaxed.

4. Start the conversation

Ask your inner child what he felt during those difficult times with your father. Listen to his responses without judgment. You might say, "What were you feeling when Dad did that?" or "What do you need to feel safe now?"

5. Practice self-compassion

Show compassion to your inner child. Remind him that his feelings are valid and that he is not alone. Use affirmations like, "It's okay to feel this way," and "You deserve love and understanding."

6. Engage in self-soothing activities

Find activities that soothe and comfort your inner child. This might include drawing, playing a favorite childhood game, or holding a comforting object. These activities can help calm your inner child and create a sense of safety.

7. Seek professional guidance

Consider working with a skilled IFS practitioner. They are trained specifically to help you gain further self-reliance, navigate complex emotions, and guide you through the process of unburdening your inner child.

8. Set clear boundaries

Establish and maintain boundaries with your father to protect your emotional well-being. Communicate your limits clearly and consistently. This might involve limiting contact or being specific about the interactions you are comfortable with. This exercise helps you set boundaries and commit to a clear and compelling “No”.

9. Practice mindfulness

Incorporate mindfulness practices into your daily routine. Mindfulness can help you stay present and grounded, reducing the impact of emotional triggers. Techniques such as deep breathing, meditation, and body scanning can be particularly effective. This meditation is helpful to strengthen your muscle of compassion.

10. Foster forgiveness

Work towards forgiving your father and yourself. Understand that forgiveness is a process that takes time. It doesn't mean excusing past behavior but rather releasing its hold on your emotions. Reflect on your father's own struggles and recognize that everyone is imperfect.

11. Build a support network

Surround yourself with supportive people who understand and respect your journey. Share your experiences with trusted friends, join a support group, or connect with others with similar experiences. A strong support network can provide encouragement and perspective. One such community is Fathers Without Compromise.

Healing from the emotional scars left by your relationship with your father means giving that young boy inside you the care and attention he never got. By committing to these steps, you can start to heal and create a healthier emotional future for yourself and your kids. It’s a courageous journey that many back away from. It can feel tough, especially when others around you may question it, but it’s worth it—not just for you but for the legacy you’ll pass on to the next generation.

The Call to Feel: a 5-Step Approach to Emotional Mastery

Photo Credit: Fabio Comparelli

If we peel away the layers, we all are left with one bare fact that often goes unnoticed in daily life, yet feels essential during times of crisis: we are animals. Human animals, yes, but animals never-the-less. Yet, in our culture, we work hard to separate ourselves from our fellow animal kin. Why? Because truly feeling the totality of the human experience is hard work. We’re trying all the time, of course. At home, we practice mindfulness meditation to tune inwards and calm our reactive nature when faced with stress in life. In business, we practice Stoicism to make effective leadership positions that quickly separate emotion from logic. And while these practices each have tremendous merit, there’s an element missing that could help many around the world navigate their life with greater calm and ease, particularly when stress can feel insurmountable.

Consider this:

• How can emotional mastery (through deep introspective feeling) lead us to a more fulfilling life?

• What if we truly allowed ourselves to feel the totality of the human experience instead of just what is societally appropriate?

• What can we better learn about ourselves as a human species if we turn to emotion, instead of away from it?

I don’t mean to elicit public temper tantrums nor reactive arguments that spur hurtful aggression. In fact, what I am calling attention to here is less about acting out and more about tuning in.

Turning to our emotions for self-growth is needed now more than ever. In heightened times, such as the Coronavirus pandemic that brought with it global panic and unbridled fear, we are brought to our knees to face this fundamental aspect of our human experience: we are meant to feel deeply. Yet, all most are taught to do is to stuff the emotion inside and hide-away. And it’s not anyone’s fault in particular. This is what we’ve been trained to do since childhood and what’s been passed down for generations. Just watch a child cry or yell in public and you’ll like to hear someone lament “stop crying” or “don’t be a baby” or “sit still!”

Eventually, this stuffing in of emotion (i.e. The Felt Experience) leads many to live lives full of anxiety, depression, and detachment. Ultimately, this makes one wonder if this learned behavior perhaps has something to do with the growing rates of suicide and mental health awareness throughout the world, particularly in the lives of our developing youth. This global paradigm contrasts greatly with the alternative notion that suggests our emotions may, in fact, be one of the most helpful guides to self-actualization.

So if you’re willing to try out an experiment, below is a simple 5-step process to turn any emotional charge you have throughout your life into a poignant guide. By honing this practice (in combination with other mindfulness practices such as meditation), it will lead one down the path to wholeness and truly embody the human experience. The best part is…no one needs to know you’re doing this, as it can be done in the privacy of your own home.

This exercise is specifically designed to help you move from “I’m really f’n pissed off” or “I’m tight with sadness” to feeling grounded in your full-blooded presence in a way that feels authentic and allows you to take integrated action in your life from a place of love and compassion: turning emotion into energy-in-motion.

As you take on this growth challenge, take time to be a witness who observes the Self, just like you would during mindfulness meditation. Through self-observation (a.k.a. observing “the witness”), you’ll become more aware of unconscious thought patterns and behaviors and see more clearly how they influence your life and your actions. Then, through building a foundation of practice, you’ll grow more comfortable in embodying your emotional energy in a way that continues to help you level up in your presence. This leads to more deeply connected relationships, greater purpose in your work, and a deep sense of calm through the more difficult times in life.

The Practice: The Embodied Charge

Duration: whenever an emotional charge arises in your life, find 5–10 minutes to complete this in private.

(What is an emotional charge? It’s the internal feeling that arises in reaction to a stimulus. For example, you may feel a charge when watching a parent discipline their child, being asked to speak on stage, or when hearing that your friend has finally found the love of his life. Likewise, you may feel a charge when scrolling through social media or when someone challenges a belief you hold strongly.)

After completing 30 full breaths through the mouth with an active inhale and a passive exhale, call attention to the emotional charge and complete the following:

1. Move the Energy in the Body

Recognize where the emotion is in the body, such as in your gut. Then give the energy permission to move freely throughout your body. This may include gentle movements or could erupt into intense shaking. Some even go into pounding on a pillow or thrashing around in the water. Keep the mind out of it and allow the body to move freely. (Easier said than done, of course. This is very simple, yet quite difficult for many people, especially men).

Unsure what this looks like? Consider watching this impala shake intensely after escaping from an attack. Its body literally tremors to release fear and move onward with its life, something most humans could benefit from, as well, when feeling under attack in fight-or-flight mode.

If you completely let go and allowed the energy to move, what would that look like in movement? Release into this. (Don’t worry. This part gets easier in time).

2. Connect the Mind to the Body

As your body continues to move freely, bring the mind into play. Treat this like you would a meditation as your body continues to move freely.

Allow whatever images to arise naturally.

• What memories surface, if any?

• What thoughts arise? What questions?

• What fears or concerns?

• What uncompleted projects show up?

• If you were to put a name on this feeling, would it fall under one of the common emotions: joy, anger, fear, sadness, jealously, shame, despair, guilt, grief, etc?

• What sound would you make? This could be a howl, a scream, a whimper, or powerful words that embody the sensation (i.e. “F*ck You!” or “I Want You” or “Leave Me Alone”, etc.)

Continue to move and think about this until the body reaches a calm state and movements become gentle and balanced. (This may take a while or only a few moments).

3. Connect to the Present and Gain Insight

Now that your body has moved freely, turn inward and ask yourself what you could learn from this energy. First, get clear on what your current emotion is about in your current situation.

• Where did this charge come from?

• Is it about the anger you feel toward your partner or friend or yourself for something that occurred recently?

• Is it sadness that you lost something dear to your heart?

• Is it shame that you engaged in a behavior that does not align with your core values?

• Is it fear about an upcoming presentation?

• Is it grief over the loss of a loved one or a hypothetical of what could have been?

Now turn this awareness towards yourself. What does this say about you?

Remember that the purpose here is not to focus on others but, rather, to learn about yourself.

Treat yourself with loving compassion and hold a metaphorical mirror to your face (or look into one if that helps).

• What does this emotion say about your true values?

• What needs are not being met?

• What trauma of the past may still control the way you show up in your present reality?

• What personal boundaries may have been crossed?

• What passion lay waiting for you to bring to life?

• If you could get what you really want, what would that be?

• Do not move onto the next step until you’ve gained some insight about yourself.

4. Take Action

Now it’s time to bring this insight into your present reality, helping to shape a new future and create new behavior patterns in your everyday actions and reactions.

Given the insight you’ve gained about yourself, what steps do you need to take to align your present reality with your internal world?

There may need to be a conversation with a certain someone: for instance, your boss or an old friend. Or perhaps there is a decision you need to make about the way in which you spend your day. Regardless, now that your body and mind have adequately processed the emotional energy, you can compassionately integrate this energy into your life. Move forward with your action from a place of compassion and fierce love. From this new vantage point, you should have extreme clarity in your direction.

5. Review and Reflect

Now that you’ve gone from body → body/mind → integrated action, take the time here to reflect on this process. Remember that this is an advanced practice that matures with time. As we may experience multiple emotional charges throughout the day, a good place to start can be in noticing what charges occur frequently, or if there’s a pattern of behavior you’ve noticed. Since this practice takes place in complete privacy (excluding, of course, when you take action), the people around you will likely notice a shift in the way you show up. They will likely feel your full-blooded presence like never before. Your goal here is to remain non-attached from the outcome and instead trust the process knowing that this exercise plays an infinite game in life.

— — —
The above exercise is an embodied practice that will grow in ease over time. Likewise, as you continue to integrate emotional energy into your life, you’re likely to experience less of a charge when a situation occurs in the present that would have caused greater reactivity in the past. To help others acclimate to it, share your thoughts and reflections below. My hope is that this practice will cause a ripple effect, one that leads to a cultural shift where emotion will be looked at as a source of power, not a point of shame.

Should you wish to better log your growth through practice, here is a printable document to do so. You’re welcome to share it with whomever you feel would benefit.

When Personal Development Turns into a Spiritual Emergency

When Bria went to sleep in Bali, she felt her body press into the two-inch mattress that separated her from a slab of concrete that would be her home for the next ten days. A mosquito net hung overhead. The sounds of the jungle sung in the distance. And the shadows of bugs crawled about. For this New Yorker, the jungle just got real, real fast. 

The silent meditation retreat had officially begun.  

No talking. No exercise. No meat. 

For the next ten days, she’d join a small group of others to explore the inner workings of the mind and…hopefully…inner peace. Each morning, she’d awake at 4am with the others to meditate silently, be fed a humble vegetarian meal, meditate more, eat, receive instruction from the meditation teacher, and meditate again for a total of 12-14 hours logged for the day. This is the Vipassana way, and for anyone interested in this lineage of practice, it continues to grow as one of the more popular options for spiritual seekers throughout the world, especially since it’s technically free for first-time practitioners (donations are accepted). 

Everything seemed to be going according to Bria’s expectations. The accommodations were monk-like compared to the lush villa she stayed in before. The meditation practice felt familiar to what she had begun practicing years ago. The silence felt liberating compared to the frantic energy of the western way. Then suddenly, her experience took a rapid turn.

It was day six and she joined her group for morning meditation for what began much like the others. However, an hour into the sit, she began to feel a sensation beneath the belly button that slowly crawled its way up the spine. Instead of placing judgment on it, she had been instructed to simply notice the sensation is a non-detachment sort of way. So there she sat, simply noticing this strange energetic sensation crawl up her spine. Up behind the stomach. Beneath the chest and heart. Toward the throat. Then, without warning, as the energy crawled on, her neck shot violently to the side as this feeling of energy seemed to erupt out of her and upward toward the sky above. 

She then began to see light:

“It was this was a very, very, very white, like, almost could burn your eyes kind of white. And then everything went completely white. And I lost all sensation of physical body and sound and time. And like everything just dissolved into complete nothingness.”

This experience continued as Bria sat on her cushion quietly, an intense kundalini awakening happening unbeknownst by others sitting silently in their own meditative focus. When she came back to present awareness, thirty minutes had gone by and the reality looked and felt much, much different than before: 

“When I came through it, my eyes were closed, and I was still sitting upright. I opened my eyes and it was very jarring in a way like I've never seen things before. I almost felt like I was a newborn.” 

Eventually, the morning practice came to an end and Bria left to go walk outside. There, the world appeared vibrant: 

“Even stepping in the grass and feeling the air hit my skin and the sunlight…turned into a really, really deep state of bliss, greater than I'd ever experienced before and a love like I'd never felt before.”

Tears flowed down her eyes as she felt this intense interconnectedness to all things.

Tears flowed down her eyes as she felt this intense interconnectedness to all things. She had tapped into what others have called the non-dual nature of reality, the sensational experience that our bodies are made of matter that quite literally connects to the cyclical ecosystem in nature. Perhaps then too, it appears, Bria felt a subtle energetic connection to this very nature of balance. 

Eventually, however, the expansion that Bria experienced was soon counter-balanced with a contraction. As the evening meditation practice begun, Bria sat for what would seem to many as a terrifying experience. She chose to meditate in her sleeping quarters so that she could be surrounded by a mosquito net should any bugs come wandering by. She sat down, tuned into her breath, and then began to release into the art of noticing. Her body tightened up. Her breath grew rigid. And as the hallmarks of anxiety crept slowly into her brain, her nervous system felt under attack. 

The spiders and cockroaches that normally crawled on the mosquito net at this time of the day grew larger and larger. it seemed to Bria that these bugs would surely begin to eat her. When she started hyperventilating, she lost all sensation of present-state awareness. And rational thought flew out of the window. That’s when she began to claw her way out: 

“And I remember, I can actually recall this really vividly. I turned around on my bed and started clawing at it really rapidly. And while the hyperventilation was still happening, I felt like I was going to die. I was really scared that this was the end. I was about to die.” 

During this time of chaos, Bria was not alone. Others sat around while engaging in their own meditation practice. The rules of the retreat were simple: respect the experience of the individual and do not speak or engage with others. So, even while Bria thrashed at her pillow like a caged animal, no one intervened, no one came to the rescue. It was just Bria and her mind, alone for the ride on a meditation pad. 

After what seemed like a half-an-hour, Bria once again gained control of her breathing. She began to talk to herself, sending words of love and encouragement, and eventually curled up into a fetal position as she hugged her pillow. And as her breathing steadied, she drifted off to sleep. 

The next day, she spoke to the teacher in private about her experience. He simply nodded and said, “Okay”. Okay....That’s it. Yet, this alone provided the affirmation that nothing Bria had felt was enough to ring the alarm bell.

The rest of the retreat carried on and while Bria did feel a hint of these two emotional extremes again, the swings slowly dwindled into a new sense of balance. Soon after, the retreat ended and Bria hopped onto the back of a motorbike. With her hair whipping in the wind, the air danced on her skin and the trees felt alive. Something profound had just occurred and she was ready to continue the journey. 

A few months later she sat in her bed in New York, feeling a reverse sense of culture shock. She told no-one about her experience and felt out of touch with those around her. Like others have mentioned, she felt not of this world, but still in this world. She struggled to bring her newfound wisdom into her life at home: “For a couple of years after that, I worked really, really hard to kind of silence a lot of that stuff that was arising.” 

It would take her two years to integrate her new sense of being into the world. She rekindled old friendships that felt empowering and then went on a trip. She hopped in a car and drove around the United States, living out of her bags without a home base. This travel brought with it a heightened pulse. Not long after, she would ground again, this time in a new home in Encinitas, California, the same place that the Indian mystic, Yogananda, called home in the 1920s. 

She keeps up a steady meditation practice, has found an empowering community, and continues to integrate her new way of being. She sets clearer energetic boundaries and has found a heightened sense of ease when communicating what would have been in the past difficult conversations: "Even as challenging as it was, I felt within myself this stronger resilience and grounding to be in this experience.”Several years after light erupted from her neck while sitting on a mat in Bali, Bria had grounded in the outskirts of San Diego.

What Bria experienced has a variety of names and is looked at differently depending on the cultural perspective one looks through. In one culture, her experience would be associated with psychosis: a break away from reality in which a person needs treatment and is ill or “sick”. In another culture, this experience would be called a kundalini awakening: a sudden onset of dormant subtle energy that connects one to spirit and erupts throughout the body greatly altering one’s state of being. Christina and Stan Grof call this experience a “Spiritual Emergency”: a phrase they coined after researching evolving states of consciousness that are as unsettling as they are beautifully enriching.

This is personal development’s dirty little secret. It’s not talked about in a Tony Robbins’ seminar or one of Wayne Dyer’s empowering lectures. Pema Chodron touches on it through the Buddhist lens in what is called impermanence or walking through shaky ground. But much of the personal development world doesn’t talk about this. Why? Because it doesn’t sell well. And it’s unique to each person.

A Spiritual Emergency is when the line between intense personal development and psychosis becomes blurred. It’s literally difficult to tell whether you are going crazy or evolving into a whole new state of being. I’ll write more about my experience at another time, but know for now that it started with waking up at 2:30 in the morning and Googling “Am I Going Crazy!?”.

Much of the personal development world focuses on the good that comes from a spiritual practice. And that’s great. There is a lot to gain from having a consistent practice that helps you walk confidently through personal development. But sometimes growth isn’t smooth and it can literally feel like you’re being ripped apart. Such is the case with Bria and many others who have awakened into a beautifully terrifying new state of being. 

 If you feel like you’re in the midst of a spiritual emergence, breathe and hold the F on. It’s a wild ride for many, including myself, that can lead to profound breakthroughs in personal development.  Do know, however, that you are not alone and there are others out there who can help you.

If this sounds like something you’re growing through, consider the following:

1. Lessen your responsibilities, if possible, or take time off to be with yourself. This may require asking your community to help you out. 

2. Surround yourself with a spiritual community that empowers your growth, holding space for what you need to turn to and grow through this experience. Before Christina Grof passed on, she developed The Spiritual Emergence Network. It has a lot of resources on this subject. 

3. Work with a trained guide who can hold space for you through this growth while also helping you continue a practice that feels grounding. The goal here is to integrate the lessons from this experience into your daily life in terms of being and doing.

At last, know that you are not going crazy. Your spirit is just screaming hello.

With love,

Mark

Who Am I?...a writing exercise

Fifty or so of us sat around the room, ready to begin a group meditation, which would be followed by a group writing session. Artists, vagabonds, spiritual warriors of all types, from all over the world, sat around me. Gongs, singing bowls, and shamanistic feathers filled the room.

The bell chimed, I closed my eyes and up our chakras we climbed as we dove inward to sit with the soul and hold hands with the inner self.

Thirty minutes later, the meditation came to a close and from there the writing session began. Those around me scribbled their thoughts on the page in haste. I sat still: frozen by my inner critic.

As soon as I would start to scribe a sentence in my notebook, I’d feel the eyes of all those behind me: judging me, criticizing me, evaluating my sanity and sense of worth. I felt ashamed to write one authentic sentence and remained clothed in my insecurity.

I didn’t know then, but now I have a closer understanding of what F. Scott Fitzgerald meant when he wrote: “What people are ashamed of usually makes a good story.” We are all full of stories that shed light on the human condition and can help empower another.

Which brings me to my own insecurity as I come closer to experiencing my actualized self. Perhaps by opening up, my story may lead you to your own discoveries. I’ve always felt a bit insecure when it comes to my own personal writing. To create anything original, writing or otherwise, I’ve always had to lock myself in a room or nuzzle into a nook in the library to be safe to write.

This is normal, of course. I see it all the time in my clients who, when it comes time to write down their stories, lean forward in their seats as they write to make sure no one can read their prose. That’s part of the process, and even the greats like Stephen King have confessed tremendous trepidation in transferring any kind of writing to the reader: fiction, nonfiction, or personal narrative.

Why?

Because writing is an extension of the soul that leaves us bare and exposed. But it’s also a tool for discovery and communicating those discoveries with others.

Personal writing has often been looked at as the writing to keep to ourselves. What I’d like us to consider is that when we share our personal narratives, we empower others to lift the masks we are so often coerced to wear. By sharing authenticity, we spawn authenticity. 

Writing roots you in deeply, and it’s in this connection that we better study the self. Yogis call this study of the self Swadhyaya. It’s the practice to answer the question: “Who Am I?” This study breaks through the masks we have come to wear and connects us all on a deeper level. Specifically, writing binds us together in a grand narrative. It’s the connective quality that makes social media addictive before the world uttered a tweet.

HOW I WRITE TO ANSWER “WHO AM I?”

Stage One

I stare at a blank page, tune in, and write words that attempt to answer this question. I erase half of it and hoard whatever is left, offering it up to a salvage yard to discover its perceived value.

Stage Two

I dig into stories that have defined me. Then I realize they no longer define me, yet have made me who I am today.

Stage Three

I write and edit. Write and edit. Write and edit. Persuade my wife to edit my work by making her Star Wars pancakes. Edit again.

Then I click publish and my work is out there.

Stage Four

I no longer own my work. What I intended through my words, and the relationship I create with my words, is now up to the reader to decide on his/her own.

Now, the text lives on its own.

A reader stumbles upon my writing (perhaps because you were so kind to share it with them) and then creates a relationship with it. The reader interprets the text on his/her own — often in a way that is far different than I intended. Sometimes that reader is me in the future.

Stage Five

I interact with those who have read my story and hear the impact it has had on their life. I pay attention to my reaction and practice gratitude for this mirror. Then I realize that who I am is simply one part of the Whole.

——————————

Not too long ago, my writing took a grand shift. I shifted from the safety of writing about what I knew academically to writing about my own journey and discovery. My source shifted from APA format to DNA.

It’s delectably terrifying: searching out truth through the self.

Why?

Because as I continue to unwrap my authentic self through means like meditation, yoga, right-brain sporadic prose, and dream journaling, I keep finding that all that I thought I had known as my self — my tectonic foundations — actually shift like currents in an ocean.

Words, however, remain fossilized through clicking “publish.” I will continue to evolve throughout my life, but the words I once penned on the Internet will remain concrete and still when in actuality they were just ripples through the tide.

Writing is the window into my heart and yes, of course, I fear the critic.

Such is the essence of what Pema Chodron may have meant when she said, “If we learn to open our hearts, anyone, including the people who drive us crazy, can be our teacher.”

A personal story I’ve written about, a personal discovery I’ve shared…they are the skin I shed and not the skin I wear today. And tomorrow will bring about a new shedding. And so on. And so on.

Such is the nature of my work. I write about the discovery of the self. That’s my journey on purpose.

Writing helps one discover the authentic self, but I’ve learned that it’s the relationship I build with others through my writing that leads to my greatest discoveries.

When I Said "I Love You" to My Father

I sat across from my father, stared into his eyes for an entire minute and said three words he hadn’t heard a lot while growing up in a dilapidated mobile home park in Buffalo, NY.

His eyes teared up and so did mine. I said, “I love you.”

A rush of energy flooded through both me and my father. Energy that brought the two of us closer together. Energy that helped us both reach deeper into ourselves.

You see, as a blue-collar man raised in the smoke of the railroad industry, my father grew up like many men. He learned that in order to get the job done, he must hold in his emotions. Life is hard and thick skin is what gets you through the hardships that come along.

True perhaps to some degree, but as Joseph Campbell reminds us, “The fundamental human experience is that of compassion.” Compassion — showing love for others and love for ourselves— drives us all further down our own hero’s journey. Because remember, the hero’s journey isn’t Frodo searching for a ring nor is it Luke Skywalker mastering his Jedi skills to overthrow an evil empire.

These are just metaphors for the hero’s journey, told through a compelling story.

The hero’s journey is a journey inside. As Campbell himself puts it: “The hero journey is inside of you;  tear off the veils and open the mystery of the self.”

To move further down the inner hero’s journey, Campbell reminds us that we need to practice direct compassion for our self just as much as we do for others.

My inner journey took a turn this past weekend and began with a six-hour drive to my hometown, Buffalo, NY. Instead of meeting up with a bunch of people and getting my whole family together, I did something different.

I met with each of them for one-on-one quality time and did something I haven’t done before. I looked them each in the eye and told them I loved them and explained why I do.

Each of them teared up. And I did too.

See, here’s the thing:

Direct communication is compassion for the soul.

When’s the last time you looked someone in the eyes, held their hand, and told them how you honestly feel?

It’s easier to go through our lives by avoiding eye contact and avoiding honest communication out of fear of argument. Why else are children often told to avoid topics of politics and religion at the dinner table?

Consider, however, that by being honest in our communication we practice compassion for ourselves. Through this, we gain confidence in our own voice.

Honest communication with others and ourselves is hard work. It’s a lot easier to politely agree or nod your head with someone instead of disagreeing with them. It’s a lot easier to avoid direct eye contact instead of telling someone they hurt you. It’s quite awkward at first to look at someone other than your spouse directly in the eyes and tell them you love them.

This type of communication moves the energy in our relationships and all parties involved grow because of it.

I invite you to try this:

Choose someone in your life that you appreciate, love platonically, or love romantically that perhaps you haven’t told before or in a while. Or perhaps you haven’t been direct in your communication of how you feel. Spend just one minute and look directly in their eyes and continue to tell them throughout this time why you appreciate them.

That’s it.

Sounds too simple, yes. I thought so too. Thing is, many people (myself included) are not used to direct communication, so don’t be surprised if this moves the person you speak with.

Chances are you’ll feel moved too because this directness opens doors to the self. Why? Because by doing so, you’re showing compassion for your greatest self.

As I continue to connect the dots in my life and grow into a more actualized being, I’m learning that compassion for the self moves one further down the hero’s journey. If we disagree with someone, if we feel hurt, or if we love someone and haven’t deeply shared it, we’re not being honest with ourselves. We’re not showing compassion to ourselves. We’re holding ourselves back from truly learning from the experience.

And perhaps it’s these lessons that we sometimes need to open a door to the next stage in our journey.

What about you? Let me know what you think and share YOUR story with me.

How To Affirm Your Purpose

Even before writing legend Stephen King sobered up, he would keep the door shut tight to his writing studio. When he felt his writing was ready, he’d open the door only to his wife, who he dubbed his supreme editor.

King has what he calls “closed-door writing” and “open-door writing.”

Closed-door writing is the crap, the stuff that he doesn’t want anyone to see. It’s the muck that all professionals and top-performers still muddle through to create something of high value (though they like to keep that hidden).

It’s what Anne Lamott would call the “shitty first draft” in her book on writing, Bird by Bird  (one of my personal favorite reads).

To move beyond the first crappy draft, King finds the affirmation he needs from his wife. He describes in his book, On Writing, a scene where he gives his wife a manuscript on a road trip and she reads it in the passenger seat while he drives. He describes biting his nails in nervousness as he waits for her to laugh or gasp when he knows she’s at certain parts.

If she doesn’t laugh, he questions whether or not it’s actually funny. If she doesn’t gasp at a horror scene, then he questions whether or not it’s actually well-written.

Perhaps you can relate? When are there moments your confidence depends on the approval of others?

This is The Fulcrum of Affirmation. It’s the place we reach when creating something new and looking for affirmation that we’re doing it right. I find myself here very often. It’s that point that as soon as you press “send” and finish your project, there’s a chance that it will either succeed or face a humiliating failure. This affirmation brings us through the turning point on our hero’s journey.

But we don’t need it.

Dr. Wayne Dyer teaches us through his book, The Power of Intention, that it’s incredibly important to find your affirmation from within. He says that living your life on purpose has everything to do with living out the best version of yourself, not following dogma or constantly caving to peer pressure. Living your life on purpose is the effect of tuning into who you really are.

Dyer says that if you have a passion for something like fixing cars and have developed a talent for it and the community really needs a stellar auto mechanic, then yes, of course, being the best auto mechanic you can be is your tried and true purpose.

But if you don’t want to be an auto-mechanic or a doctor or a lawyer or (Fill in the Blank), then perhaps it’s time to dig deeper to find your purpose.

(Pssst…it’s okay to reinvent and redefine yourself at any time you’d like.)

Here are three tips to find the affirmation from within to live your life on purpose.

1. We Are Only A Reflection Of Those We Keep Close To Our Heart

We’re a social species. We thrive on relationships and seek connection with others on emotional, platonic, and physical planes.

We learn best through what pedagogy would call “Constructive Learning,” meaning we learn best through connecting with others.

Before the days of smartphones and industry, we sat around the campfire and told stories at night, sharing in that day’s feast. But we’ve since lost this aspect of ourselves as storytelling animals and are inundated with messages from the media telling us what we should look like, act like, and model.

We’ve moved from a campfire society to a billboard society.

So how can we be picky with who we allow into our sphere of influence? The truth is… it’s not so easy. Our parents, religious leaders, teachers, friends, community leaders, and others offer what they believe to be the best advice. And this advice comes from a source of love, but this energy can strongly influence the way we make decisions.

People often ask me how I am such a positive person, an optimist they say. I tell them that I am only a reflection of those I keep close to my heart. Even when I’m making a decision on my own and not asking for anyone else’s approval, the decision I make still stems from those I’ve allowed to help build my sphere of influence. The books I’ve read, the people I admire, the conversations I have with others, and the lessons I’ve learned from my sphere of influence all morph the decisions I make.

For me, I try to surround myself with positive people because I know how easy it can be to be held down by fear and negative thinking. I’m picky about who I let into my sphere of influence.

So, even though you may not have complete control over your sphere of influence, who and what do you personally invite into it?

2. Sit Still To Move Mindfully

I forgot who it was who said it, but meditation allows us to experience what the other senses cannot. It helps us tap into our intuition.

Meditation gives us control. It teaches us when to dance with our thoughts, when to sit still, and when to be an observer.

It’s ironic, isn’t it? That the art of sitting still in meditation helps control our outward actions and reactions? Learning to stay still helps to make more precise movement.

Known in yoga circles as Kundalini Awakening, meditation opens up the third eye chakra which points inward and is said to help reflect the divine spiritual truths inside of us. When our third eyes are open and not blurry, it’s easier to tap into the spiritual truths. It’s easier to find the affirmation from within.

3. Say No To FOMO & Ship Forward

So often I find myself caught in FOMO: the fear of missing out.

If I don’t do this, will I be missing out on an incredible experience?

If I commit to this project, will I be missing out on another one?

or

If I don’t commit to this project, will I be missing out on my big break?

Especially when it comes to affirmation, we sometimes don’t take action when we think that there’s something bigger and better out there. We look for affirmation that we’re on the right path. But fearing to miss out on something stops us from even experiencing what we have right here in front of us.

Getting caught in the rabbit hole of FOMO is the rat race and stops us from shipping our best ideas. It’s another name for the thing that many of us try to avoid getting caught in — the daily grind.

Whenever FOMO pops up ask yourself,

Am I living in the present or caught in a hypothetical future?

Am I creating or procrastinating?

Many of us go to our graves with the best ideas still trapped inside of us. Use this imagery as the catalyst to help you commit to ship your idea and move forward.

The Power of Eye Gazing

The howler monkeys screamed outside and the humid air hugged my skin like a warm blanket. I sat down and faced a woman who I barely knew and placed my hand on her chest to feel her heartbeat. She did the same and we stared deeply into each other’s eyes for five intense minutes.

Sweat began to pour down my face, stinging my eyes and, as my heartbeat grew in intensity, I thought about my wife back home. This is definitely not appropriate, I thought to myself, as intense guilt began to flood my mind.

But what followed next surprised me like a rainbow that appears without a cloud in the sky. Such is the nature of a mindfulness retreat in the jungle.

I felt intense love for this woman. Not the love I feel for my wife or the love I feel for my family. A very different kind of love. A platonic love. A love, as Plato would call it, where two people help the other further see down one’s spiritual path.

As I stared deep into this woman’s eyes I felt her soul, and I felt her peering into my soul-self. All the masks that both of us wear during our day-to-day were stripped away, leaving us bare and exposed. I saw her struggles and she saw mine. It felt both liberating and terrifying in a way that I struggle to explain as I type this sentence.

I felt connected and experienced the concept shared by many of the world’s beautiful religions — oneness. I more viscerally felt something I’ve known intellectually for quite some time — that we all have a connected soul beneath the physical existence.

Perhaps you’ve experienced a connection on this level before, as well? Whether with a friend, a mentor, or anyone who has helped you out.

In his dialogues, Plato reminds us that we should be seeking more of this love because it brings us closer to the soul. There is then a union with the soul, much like I’ve discovered through my own yoga practice.

Did Plato perhaps stretch in downward dog before beginning philosophy class? Did he and Patanjali hang in the ancient days of lore?

This connection with the soul-self is rooted in the etymology of yoga, as “yoga” in Sanskrit translates as “union.” Yes, yoga is far more than what Americans have come to understand. It’s not just physical posture and stretchy pants, though I would never dismiss the benefits of both. A strong physique is great and stretchy pants should become the new business casual. But I digress.

As I navigate my own path, I work to maintain this level of loving awareness and connection, though this comes with its own struggles. This is where I often open up a good book to find some wisdom to grow my spirits. Rumi is very often a first choice. So, what does Rumi say to do? Let go to love and experience the source that unites. About a thousand years ago, I imagine him sitting under one of the pomegranate trees that populate the Persian soil as he wrote,

“This is love: to fly toward a secret sky, to cause a hundred veils to fall each moment. First to let go of life. Finally, to take a step without feet.”

As you go throughout the rest of your day today, consider, as I am, embracing eye contact and connecting with the souls of those you meet. At the next networking event, consider not talking about “what do you do?” and paper-pushing job-speak. Instead, ask about their journey on purpose and have a conversation about their passions. When sitting down for a meal with the family, look at your loved ones with the same heightened level of love as you will the homeless man on the street. It’s a beautiful world out there and each of us has a story worth hearing.

A Mindful Hack When You Need to Push Through

It’s amazing how the mind works, right? One moment we can be angry and pissed off; in another, happy and gregarious.

One moment we can sick; In another, healthy.

Take, for instance, the last time I acted on stage. I had just come down with a delicious case of the flu and couldn’t hold down my lunch for the life of me. My roommates stayed far away from me lest they too come down with this stomach bug.

How, for the life of me, would I play a carefree and bubbly college student on stage that night? And the kicker… my character was the proverbial 30-year old who still lived at his parents’ home and comes home drunk to devour a plate of cold Spaghettios live on stage.

Gross.

Minutes before the spotlight would shine on me that night, I imagined all the terrible scenarios that could happen on stage as I tried to hold down my character’s late night supper.

Inhale

I breathed deep and steady for 60 seconds and did what I would always do before a performance. I said a quick prayer to my Nanas, imagined them in the audience watching me, and visualized my best performance.

The lights went up. I came on stage. And before I knew it, there I was bowing before the audience feeling healthy and happy with that high that all actors know comes after a performance.

Exhale

The applause died down and with my first step off the stage, I transformed back into my terribly sick self.

How could this be? I thought to myself. One minute, I’m sick. The other, I’m healthy, and then I’m sick again?!

The answer may be as simple as one breath, says Sam Harris in his book Waking Up: “How we pay attention to the present moment largely determines the character of our experience and, therefore, the quality of our lives.”

Join me in trying this:

For The Next 60 Seconds, Press Pause On Whatever Mindset You Currently Have.

Take a deep inhale for four seconds followed by a deep exhale for four seconds. Repeat, starting the inhale in the deep bottom of the belly and rising it to the back of the shoulder blades. Exhale, coming back down.

Continue to breathe this way as you look around for a bit of beauty in front of you: the sunlight as it glistens off the petal of a flower, the bee that defies physics and hovers above a flower’s stamen, or a coworker or loved one who brings you joy.

Turn now to think of one bad thing that is not happening to you. You are not losing a limb. You are not running downstairs because of a missile attack. Your house is not on fire. You are not running out of water. You are not alone. And on and on and on.

You have abundant joy in your life, in this moment, in this breath.

——————-

Let me tell you a secret: When I woke up this morning, I felt lethargic and jet lagged and quickly thought of all the work I need to do, the errands that need to be done, the commitments I made to those I love, the mountain of things that I keep saying I will get to one day but never do.

In my first moments of waking up this morning, I felt defeated. Instead of focusing on the abundance of joy in my life, I focused in on the negative.

So, I shuffled over to my pour-over, fed Yoda the Cat, and took a few breaths. And in those breaths, I realized I was choosing to be unhappy.

Right now, as I type this message to you, I’m choosing to be happy.

What are you choosing right now?

To Be a Man

Growing up as a man in the modern day, I grew up torn between following what society said I should do as a manly guy and what my intuitive spirit told me is right for me as a complete human being.

As a teen, I spent hours in the gym throwing around weights trying to look like the guys on the cover of the stack of Men’s Health magazines covering my bedroom. I worked to develop biceps and a six-pack, even though I knew those superficial characteristics wouldn’t ever equal real happiness.

As I grew older, I calmed down on the weights and learned that as hard as I work to chisel my muscles, this body is just a shell to the far more important spirit.

I like craft beer. I like the crushing feeling of hip-checking a guy into the boards during a hockey game. I still love “the pump,” as Arnold would call it, during bicep curls.

But I also love om, respect my prana, and have found bliss in yoga.

Lately, I’m engaging in purposeful conversations on being a better man and I’m learning that many men feel the same way I do. They just aren’t comfortable sharing it yet. But, hopefully, as more and more men have deep and meaningful spiritual conversations, this will change.

Like sociologist Jean Kilbourne, creator of Killing Us Softly, points out — mass media has a dramatic influence on how we define our gender. We’re so easily placed in boxes of what it means to be a man or what it means to be a woman.

We’re living in a gender blender of contradictions that confuses the developing adolescent like never before.

Just as the modern woman is pushed to be both a high-powered CEO that can handle business with a harsh slice of executive prowess and a compassionate and loving mother, men are equally pushed to conform to conflicting expectations.

After spending just a few hours soaking in media (e.g. advertisements, characters in movies/television/books), here are just a few of these contradictions:

• A man is the breadwinner, but should work less hours to be a compassionate father and not an absentee dad/husband.

• A man is an ultimate fighter and defender, but then is sensitive, caring, and full of compassion.

• Men are programmed to think (or fantasize) about women all day long, but not give in to animalistic desires.

And the list goes on….(what would you add to the list?)

I’m reminded of what Dr. Dan Kindlon discovered about adolescent boys in his breakthrough documentary Raising Cain. His research helps prove that boys are actually more emotional than women, but are taught not to express their emotions and instead bottle them up. Expressing sadness and being vulnerable is too girly in the world of the developing male.

But don’t just take Dr. Kindlon’s word for it. Just spend a few days in a high school and observe male teenage behavior. It’s a testosterone pit full of emotion where boys cat call women in the echo of ethnic norms and boys are told not to cry after being tackled on the football field and suffering a painful injury.

For men, expressing emotions and being open about love are certainly not widely accepted yet.

But, showing true unconditional love is the manliest thing a guy can do. If being a man means taking the heroic journey and donning war gear as one charges into battle, then opening your heart to love is the most noble journey of all.

Opening your heart to love requires you to understand your thoughts and actions. It forces you to analyze why you say what you say and do what you do. It’s a beautiful hero’s journey that more and more men are choosing to walk. And I invite you to join me with them.

What I Learned In a Float Tank

I closed the door behind me and looked down at my new home: a one-foot deep tub of salt water meant to float my body and deprive me of my senses for the next 90 minutes. I laid down in the dense salty tub, ready to float into bliss, as the lights dimmed and the soft music that once filled the room drifted off into the abyss that now enveloped my sight.

Utter blackness.

Utter silence.

Utter weightlessness.

I had heard about floatation chambers quite often, as they continue to pop up in cities across the world like the one-time ubiquitous oxygen bars of the 1990’s. But unlike the O2 bars which promised a bit of relaxation, floatation chambers (a.k.a. sensory deprivation chambers) are said to offer unparalleled relaxation, detoxification, and a trip into the realms of higher consciousness.

Principal researcher Dr. Peter Suedfeld has devoted his work to studying the effects of sensory deprivation since leaving Princeton in the 1960s. His research continues to find how a float in a chamber can help treat chronic pain, high blood pressure, and autonomic nervous system problems. Other researchers, like Glenn Perry (one of the first to build and sell tanks), have shared the meditative benefits of a flotation chamber. When the senses are deprived, a person is more easily able to meditate since the aches and pains of the body are gone. This helps reach what yogis call Samadhi — a state of blissful awareness.

So, why did I wait so long before giving a float serious thought? Because I was scared. I like being in control (which is something I think many people can relate to).

Also, an urban legend floats around sensory deprivation of a man who lost his sanity and murdered his lover that night. That alone was enough to keep me away from the salty bath.

My friend Ian — a many-time floater and bliss-seeker — told me that his first float ended with him convinced that Planet of Apes was not fiction, but real — as real as the hardwood door that separated the flotation chamber from the apes outside who controlled the planet. After creaking open the door, Ian discovered not apes manning the front desk of the floatation center, but a few petite women in yoga pants. Not exactly the formidable opponents he expected.

While I can’t say that I left the float chamber convinced apes had taken over, I did share my own transcendental experiences that could make for the next great existential novel.

Like meditation can often be, the first twenty or so minutes in the float (it’s very tough to actually conceptualize time in a sensory deprivation chamber) dragged on like paint drying. While time seemed to slow down, my mind raced like a Formula One driver and I heard the inner sound of my mind spinning like a DJ at a meditation-fused house party.

—

Then I dipped into thinking back to my youth. And by youth, I mean floating in the primordial amniotic ooze with my placenta.

Floating there weightless, it reminded me a lot of what being a fetus must have felt like. But it didn’t feel like I was fabricating this reflection. I literally thought back to feeling what it was like as a fetus, floating there for nine months weightless, bouncing around in the womb with the comfort in knowing that everything I needed in life was being taken care of by God through my birth mother’s nutrients in this wonderful miracle we call birth.

I then thought about growing old. It occurred to me how strange that we often think of life as a period of years where we grow up through adolescence then grow old and die, when it can also be looked at as a time of continuous growth that transcends the physical existence.

Even though the body may die, our soul grows beyond the physical. Perhaps through Jungian spiritual archetypes, what we learn in this life is imprinted on our soul and carries on into the next.

Herein lies the ability to choose evolution. Our mind can continue to evolve (through mindful habits like meditation) to experience nirvana and the interconnectedness of all beings.

Perhaps we may truly be made of star stuff, as Carl Jung often alluded to.

—

I blinked. Then blinked again. Were my eyes open? Or closed? I truly couldn’t tell. I began to see stars, and then constellations form as if I were watching the blood vessels dance when we stare at the back of our eyelids.

I moved my arms and legs into constellations, floating there like I were in space.

Weightless — like the soul.

I realized that here I was floating in a salty tub, but I couldn’t feel anything. I was weightless and not distracted by body aches and pains. Gravity no more.

Here I was, the first time, having a conversation with my soul separate from the body. For the first time, I felt like I was a spirit having a bodily experience, not the other way around.

—

I thought of a question that’s been on my mind. If a person weighs the same before and after they die, but they are not there anymore, what is it that we call “I”? Where did the self go? Did the soul just float away?

Enter the ego.

I began to see the physical body as a shell that carries us out through a life to teach the soul a lesson or a series of lessons. I thought of my studies in anthropology and marketing and how we as a culture have come to behave in a way that favors the physical body and not the soul. We’ve come to think that a commodity will bring happiness, when a physical object cannot feed the soul. The soul is only fed when the body follows one’s inspiration. By living inspired one is living “in spirit” and therein walking down its path on purpose.

I realized that meditation, much like the meditation in the floating chamber, helps one recognize the ego and tune into the soul and the interconnectedness of all beings.

I suddenly felt the oneness I have read about in the work of so many, including the many holy books such as the Bible, Quran, Torah, Upanishads, Bhagavad Gita, and the Tao Te Ching.

As the lights began to flicker on and a gently strumming sound emanated from the room’s speakers, one last thought entered my mind: What if we as a world culture focused more on the similarities between the world’s many religions instead of its differences? Where would that heightened level of consciousness take us as a species?

How to 'Find' Your Purpose

"When you begin to live from your heart, you suddenly have an antidote to fear."
- Richard Rudd in The Gene Keys

Your purpose is simple. It's to create something that you -- and only you -- can create. As you think about a new year and perhaps consider setting resolutions once again, consider instead of resolutions asking yourself one simple question:

What am I creating?

Because you came into this world through creation, in the answer to that question lies your divine-inspired purpose.

Your unique life.

Your unique beauty.

Your unique story.

There's something only you can create.

Create What Inspires You

Out of what inspires you, what can you create in your life... this year...this day?

If you're into setting SMART goals, go for it. Put it on your screen saver, write it on the ceiling above your bed, or set up calendar reminders to ping you every week to remind you. If SMART goals aren't for you, then try this. Just ask yourself every day, "What can I create today?"

Consider setting up a daily meditation practice and saying this daily affirmation to yourself at the beginning and end of your meditation (or creating one of your own): "I am living inspired, listening to my spirit, and using my gifts to create."

Living Inspired

When you're living inspired, you are living "in spirit". You are living in tune with what you came into this world with.

Inspiration is the air fills you like a hot-air balloon. It's a natural high that no drug could ever reach. It's the flow where your life's work pours out of you like water out of a natural spring.

Your Purpose Will Serve Others

From billionaire to pauper, I've never met anyone whose source of encouragement comes from material objects. Lust for money, power, fame can only get us so far.

True motivation comes from recognizing who you are serving.

Let's face it. We need encouragement to create. Creation takes a lot of coffee and late nights. "Good Job" star stickers may have pushed us to a new frontier as children, but they fall flat as adults. And that bonus you get after an annual review? That only works for a while.

Deep and meaningful encouragement -- the type of encouragement that pushes you to create something that matters -- comes from a simple "Thank you." Knowing that something you worked so hard to achieve in your life had a positive impact on another's life will take you further than any gold star or holiday bonus. And the funny thing? The more thanks you get for your work, and the more people you've served in your life, the easier those gold stars and bonuses come your way. They just don't matter as much anymore.

----

So, as you embark on your life on purpose, ask yourself this simple question: What am I creating? Answering that question will help steer you down your beautiful path on purpose.

----

Religious ideology set aside, somehow we came into this world. Somehow we came into the being we now call the self. Somehow, we were created.

Through nine months of magical creation and beyond, you grew into the beautiful creation of you.

Asking ourselves, "What am I creating?" simply brings us back to day one.

Beyond Playing It Safe

The last time I saw Brian, he had just gotten his prom photo taken and ran a 5-minute mile on the school track team. But now, as I looked in front of me stood a grown man with a beard donning a set of nurse scrubs.

"Mr. Guay... is that you?" he said as I carefully adjusted my paper-thin gown that doctors give patients before a physical exam.

"Why yes, it is," I replied with a sheepish grin feeling a bit like a celebrity on one hand and, on the other hand, making sure my gown covered my buttocks.

"How have you been Brian? You still running these days?" I said.

He shot back a look of surprise.

"You remember me?" he said.

"Of course," I replied.

We talked for a few minutes and in that short span of time as Brian took my height and weight before the doctor arrived, he had said what I cringe to hear.

"I'm currently working at (current job), but thinking of going back to school for (my passion)."

Brian explained to me that he originally went to school for nursing because his parents had said it was the smart thing to do. But he's bored -- really bored -- and he feels the calling to follow his inspiration and open up a food truck.

Brian is not alone and unfortunately, I hear this quite a bit. Like Brian, many people leave high school to begin a career or get a degree in something that is safe.

I don't blame them at all. Growing up in a blue collar family, I know the feeling of depending on the next paycheck. It's a terrible feeling. So I get safe.

But playing it safe rarely works out.

So, what holds people back from following their bliss and living inspired? A bit of ancient wisdom may have the answer.

The Four Branches That Hold Us Back

We are a deeply rooted species that is resistant to change, say Chip and Dan Heath, two sociologists at Stanford who have devoted their lives to helping make large-scale societal shifts a real thing.

The Heath brothers explain that over time and through generations, we have come to define (and very slowly redefine) the idea of "normal" or "common sense. This clouds our perception as we go through life and steers us away from any path that isn't considered safe.

In yoga, we call this Avidya, which translates as the film that covers our ability to see clearly. To see clearly, we need to let go of the following:

1. Attachment

Attachment is the tug-o-war between owning things and having them own you. It's what makes some people need a Rolex to feel successful and others (like some Jains in India) to literally have (or wear) nothing at all to feel content. It's getting upset when you can't find that favorite pair of yoga pants and getting upset when someone offers unsolicited criticism. It's that feeling of disappointment when a dream you held on to for so long is holding you back from living the life that is waiting for you.

Join me in trying this: In meditation or perhaps when you have only a few seconds in the subway commute and are feeling upset, repeat the mantra "Let Go." On a deep inhale say to yourself "Let" and on the exhale say "Go."

2. Ego

Like you can't see the current when in the river, but can easily see the swift moving water when sitting on the shore, ego is there with us as we swim through life. Ego is the wall we put up to separate ourselves from another. It's the identity crisis that follows losing a job and the reason we stand in line for hours on Black Friday to get the shiny new object for a price we can actually afford. It's the fancy letters we put before our names to represent a degree and the selfie I took at the gym yesterday. But it's also feeling guilty when you do have the shiny new objects, the fancy letters, or the bulging biceps.

Join me in trying this: When I feel emotions getting the best of me, I turn inward to my breath and through meditation begin to see ego hiding behind my emotions. When I call out ego, the curtain gets pushed aside and it no longer controls me. The next time you find emotions getting the best of you, ask yourself, "Is this my ego talking?"

3. Fear

Fear is doubting our ability to slay the Arthurian dragon that protects the holy grail. It's not taking that first step because you don't feel ready to run a marathon or not joining a yoga studio because you don't look like a Lululemon model. It's bundling up our kids so much they look like a fluffy marshmallow when they board the morning school bus. It's the voice inside our heads that like to say, "you can't do that" and it's the reason we idolize celebrities as if they were any different than us.

Join me in trying this: Often times, we fear most what we can't control. So, find something you do have control over that you're scared of and do something about it. For me, I'm terrified of heights and I can control whether or not I go rock climbing in a safe indoor facility. And boy, you should see me. I shake and quiver as I climb up those rocks and probably look ridiculous. But I'm pushing through fear.

4. Rejection

Rejection is falling off the proverbial horse and not getting back up on it to try again. It's getting bullied on the playground and taking a new route home to avoid the bullies. It's appearing on Shark Tank in hopes to land that needed seed funding only to be laughed off the stage with no money in the bank, then never starting up a business again. Simply put, it's settling for anything less than the greatest version of yourself.

Join me in trying this: Whenever you feel scared to try again, read the biographies of the people you wish to emulate. Like Michael Jordan and Thomas Edison, living out the greatest version of oneself always has a not-so-beautiful trail of failures that lead to that one ten-year-overnight success.

Five Accountability Strings to Pull You Up When You Want to Quit

My feet felt like slabs of concrete and as my body shivered, the thought of a hot shower and a bed to collapse into taunted me like the sirens in Greek maritime lore. As I passed the mile 20 marker, a bed of green grass poked through the Philadelphia snow and I thought how convenient that it happened to be the perfect size for my 6'2" frame to lay down for a nap.

I could lay down right and drift off. I could end the pain, I thought.

I looked over to my left and nodded to Rich, the guy I've been training with for months to get us ready for the Philadelphia Marathon. I puffed up my chest and forced a smile and as he continued to run I did too, shadowing his movements pretending like I wasn't struggling. Inwardly, however, I wanted to quit.

It was November. It was freezing cold. I was tired.

Step by step like a pendulum I bounced on and turned inward for empowerment, repeating my positive mantra meditation, and in what now seems like just a few minutes late, Rich and I celebrated our victory with a warm pretzel, chicken broth, and, in the kind of celebration that screams irony at an event that celebrates fitness, we drank beer. Delicious, sugary, glutenous, chest bumping beer.

The other day as I sat down to write I stared at a blank screen, the cursor taunting me like Medusa's eyes. Frozen in stone, my fingers just hovered over the keyboard. Eventually, I closed up my laptop and said to myself that tomorrow is a new day.

A few hours later, one of those tiny miracles that peeks out just when you need it happened. There, at the top of my email box rested a beautiful message which explained how my writing and positive message has helped her through a very difficult time.

As I read through the email, I felt like on cloud nine. Then, insecurity reared its all too common head: "My writing!? You mean someone actually reads my stuff?"

That email brought me to tears, much like an earlier email from a former student had explained that my positivity as her teacher had kept her on the positive when secretly at home she had considered suicide.

So I returned to that blank screen motivated to write. I opened up my laptop again and words poured out of me like a spring of water.

This wasn't the first time a tiny miracle motivated me to push through a creative block. It seems that every time I personally struggle to create something myself, something comes my way that says "HELLO....DUDE...YOU NEED TO CREATE MORE OF THIS AND THAT... YOUR WORK IS IMPORTANT"

When I struggle to create something, I've learned that a simple desire to turn an idea into a creation isn't enough to be consistent. To continue to move forward, I pull from multiple strings of accountability which I learned from my days of endurance racing and coaching.

Five Accountability Strings to Pull You Up When You Want to Quit

1. Motivation From The Inside

Some days (not that many to be completely honest) I just feel super inspired and get out of bed, ready to rock and roll and create something. Other days, I force myself to sit in meditation and after twenty minutes of mindful meditation following by repeating positive affirmations, I feel inspired to create.

2. Motivation From The Outside

Some days, I will read an email like the one I shared above that will motivate me. Other days, I know my wife, Kaitlyn, and I will be having dinner where we'll share our stories of what we created that day. I want to show up for that conversation with something, mainly because she always shows up and I'm always inspired by her creative genius.

Other days, I will need my accountability partners.

Each week I talk to two accountability partners who each ask me about what I created that week and what I plan on creating the next week. Knowing that these two people are counting on me help turn on the creator inside.

3. Progress is Better Than Perfect (Just Ship It)

I have always believed that done is better than perfect. Otherwise, the perfectionist will always tell me it's not good enough to share. Or the lizard brain, as Seth Godin calls it, will creep in and tell me my work is crap and no one wants to read it.

But if I never took a first step I never would have ran a marathon.

4. The Perks of Being a Student

When I'm learning something that inspires me, I churn the creative engine faster. Right now, for instance, as I go through yoga teacher training I am once again humbled and excited to create. Humbled because I realize how much I need to learn and excited because there is so much to learn. When we're learning, we're growing, and when we're growing we push through to create something newly remarkable.

Just make sure to choose the right teacher that motivates you. My yoga teachers are extremely dedicated to their craft and every week they come to the studio excited to share something that they are personally working on along with a lesson they've learned through their years of experience. Their expertise weaved together with their own humble trials help motivate me.

5. Build Yourself Up With Empowering People

I once hired a high-profile ( i.e. ridiculously super expensive) book editor who was really helpful...at making me feel like a terrible writer. Yes, we all need to be open to criticism (I certainly learned that through my brief stint as an actor). It takes many critical eyes to create something of perfection, but it equally requires a lot of people to help cheer you on.

Like the marathon, for instance, just imagine how many people would never ever finish the marathon if there wasn't a giant crowd cheering them on as they ran. I can tell you from personal experience, endurance racing is a heck of a lot harder when there isn't a giant crowd cheering to propel you forward.

Build a crowd of encouragement through the friends that you choose, the accountability partners you pick, and the places you choose to spend your time.

--

Most importantly, to push through a creative barrier we need a bit of trust in ourselves knowing that whatever the marathon is, it all begins with one step. As Van Gogh put it, "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint and that voice will be silenced."

Living Well With Lyme Disease: 5 Tips to Be a Better Husband in 'Sickness and in Health'

When you take your partner's hand in marriage and swear to love this person "in sickness and in health", no one really expects the sickness part to come first.

Especially when it begins on the honeymoon and you just turned 27.

The sun crested over Mt. Kilauea as Kaitlyn and I drove our Jeep rental up the big island of Hawaii. Just days into the honeymoon, we had that glow about us much like two kids shuffling off to prom: giggling, canoodling, and posing for far too many photos.

Our nostrils flared at the sulfuric smell of volcanic ash and molten lava as we pulled up to Hawai'i Volcanoes National Park and began to explore the area.

My appetite for geology giddied up like a scientist and I pulled Kaitlyn with me to "get a closer look." But when I walked forward, she tugged backward. With a look on her face that screamed doomsday, she felt intense fatigue, joint pain and mental cloudiness.

Anxiety stiffened her natural mellow posture. This preliminary symptom precipitated into with what we eventually discovered to be Lyme Disease: a severely debilitating disease passed on to humans through a tick bite. 300,000 cases are reported each year in the U.S. alone, yet news of the disease rarely makes international headlines. It affects everyone differently, but the most common include crushing fatigue, severe mental cloudiness, migraines, and intense joint pain. After becoming infected, many with the illness struggle to find the energy to do simple tasks like making breakfast.

It's been five years since that day on top of Mt. Kilauea. In that time, Lyme Disease took Kaitlyn from running a marathon to riding in a wheelchair to go to the farmer's market.

Through this experience, I've grown to learn a bit about what it takes to be a better husband when your spouse depends on you to be the caretaker.

For all of you out there who currently play the role of caretaker and strive to be the best spouse for your partner, understand that you're not alone on your journey. As I continue to share my story and talk to other caretakers, I am overwhelmed at the amount of people who keep their story hidden behind the cloak that "everything is okay" when in actuality they are struggling to find balance between their role as caretaker with other roles such as parent, friend, employee or business owner.

Many feel they will be looked at as weak if they are honest about their struggle. Consider instead what Joseph Campbell teaches us about the struggles in life: "Opportunities to find deeper powers within ourselves come when life seems most challenging."

5 Tips to be a Better Man in "Sickness and in Health"

1. Continue To Be Compassionate When Acute Turns Long-Term

Pema Chodron, author of Living Beautifully, often reminds us that the best person we can be is a compassionate one. When we have compassion, we treat everyone around us with love and understanding. And when your spouse is sick, they need a whole lot of love and understanding.

But when acute sickness turns long-term, this isn't so easy. You need to constantly set reminders and cues to help instill compassion. After six months, even seemingly big events like driving to the emergency room can start to feel routine and you may be less compassionate when taking care of your spouse.

Long-term illness breaks a person down, mentally and physically. Imagine a finish line that keeps moving further away during a marathon and you begin to understand where I'm coming from.

But there's a deep well of compassion inside all of us. Dr. Paul Coleman, author of Finding Peace When Your Heart is in Pieces, reminds us that "Even when you're tired and you have a lot of heartache, giving to others is not impossible... compassion may not end your heartbreak, but it could mend heartbreak."

2. Forget Your Plan and Set Intentions to Live in the Present

A hero of mine, Joseph Campbell, once said "You must give up the life you planned in order to have the life that is waiting for you."

Campbell hits the nail on the head with this one. Before we got married, Kaitlyn and I planned to travel the world and vagabond -- soaking in the multi-cultural beauty on this planet. We imagined a standard poodle, a baby, and buying a home in San Diego on the beach within the first five years of marriage.

It's been over four long years and no baby, no poodle, no house on beach (yet). No San Diego (yet). But that's okay. We've learned that extending happiness to hopeful outcomes does little to find happiness in the present.

Instead of dwelling in the negative sea of despair, Kaitlyn has set aside her career as a teacher since leaving the classroom due to her medical condition three years ago and has focused on what she can create. She's written a fantasy YA novel, created a jewelry line based on the elemental healing properties of gemstones for her novel's characters, and has turned our kitchen into her home office.

As much as we would never have chosen this path, we can't ignore the remarkable beauty that's come out of it.

3. Find Time for Intimacy

When you become someone's caretaker, it becomes difficult to switch between playing the role of caretaker and then of a lover.

But you need to touch. You need to spend time physically touching each other. This could be as simple as cuddling or a light massage if sexual intimacy is too difficult.

Try this: at night hold each other in an embrace and share three things you each are grateful for.

4. Make Sure to Speak Their Love Language

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, shows us that we can exhaust ourselves showing love to our partners, but if we're not speaking their love language, our effort goes to waste and love may not be perceived.

You may just be speaking a different love language if you're left feeling exhausted and your spouse still doesn't feel loved.

If "Words of Affirmation" are what your spouse needs, for instance, then you need to speak this language, even if another love language like "Acts of Service" or "Physical Touch" is your favorite form of expression.

When your spouse suffers a long-term illness, they will need more love than ever to help them not feel abandoned.

5. Add "Yet", Avoid FOMO, and Embrace a Beginner's Mind

For all those things you feel you are missing out on (and the Fear of Missing Out can be a dangerous negative spiral), consider adding the word "yet" to these. You can be anything you want to be even if it hasn't happened... yet.

Consider the concept of "Beginner's Mind" to curve FOMO.

Having a beginner's mind allows us to approach everyday experiences like we did on day one, with awe and appreciation.

To the beginner, all it takes is a simple sunrise to smile.